Yak Herder Central

Commando: Eliminating the risk of Underwear Bombs

2009-12-30T13:37:00.000-05:00

Swami is disseminating the following info on behalf of the Transportation Security Administration:

1. In the wake of the unhinged "Underwear Bomber" (also known as the "Fruit-of-the-Boom" crotch-bomber) on Christmas Day, the TSA is mandating that all passengers who have not gone through a full-body scan must fly without pants.

2. Also, to ensure that substandard explosives are not brought aboard planes, each terrorist will have to produce a TSA certificate showing that he has visited a US military testing ground and detonated the actual batch in his underwear. The TSA hopes that this will not make him less appealing to the 72 sturgeons or 72-year-old virgins or whatever await him down below.

Meanwhile, Congress has the conundrum of implementing stringent airport security without inconveniencing themselves or Washington's infestation of lobbyists. Until such time [insert color photo of infinity here], Swami is implementing his own security measures.

Most notably, whenever his lovely wife, Swamette or someone claiming to be Swamette, enters the room, Swami does a full-body patdown. One can never be too careful.

THIS JUST IN: Until further notice no underwear can be worn aboard any flight. Don't you feel safer already?

When Times Get Tough, Turn to The Swami

2008-07-11T17:55:00.003-04:00

Due to inflation and the uncertain economy, The Swami feels compelled to provide his usual, helpful, advice to those who are less fortunate. Since Swami is married to the young and lovely Swamette, everyone is less fortunate.

One of the ways to economize is to move somewhat further down the gourmet scale when dining out. If your budget no longer lets you eat at fine-dining establishments such as White Castle or Jack-in-the-Box, there are a number of helpful guidelines when choosing an unfamiliar restaurant.

Things to be Wary of When Dining Out:

Chef's hobby is raising cadaver dogs
Kitchen appears decorated with crime-scene tape
Majority of diners slumped over tables
Special-of-the-Day: Porcupine on a Stick
Waiter uses gasoline to flambe dessert
Wine list includes Ripple
Poison Control Center on speed-dial
Accepts only the Nigerian Express Card
Condiments include Raid

Obviously the biggest reason to avoid a restaurant is: they do not serve yak milk.

For those of you seeking somewhat more conventional budget, financial and general interest information, you might try: http://www.walletpop.com
where my oldest son, Geoff, among others, writes several articles a day.

Thanksgiving Tips: In Case the Butterball Hotline is Busy.

2007-11-20T19:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, Folks, just in time for Thanksgiving, The Swami is here with tips on how to make the holiday a success.

Most importantly, Zak the Yak wanted me to remind everyone that you should NOT try to deep-fry a yak. Frankly, Swami would not even recommend deep frying a turkey. If you must, however, at this time of year Swami would probably use 10W 40, as opposed to WD-40, but everyone to his own taste.

It's been quite a while since Swami has prepared a Thanksgiving dinner. It seems like at least a year. So he'll try to remember, as best he can, the most important steps. (Swami, who has come to admire Bob Dole, often refers to himself in the third person). This may have begun once after Swami had some overly-fermented yak milk, looked in the mirror, and actually saw a second and a third person.

Once you get the turkey in the oven, set the temperature to about 273 degrees. Any higher and the feathers might catch fire. Prior to putting the bird in the oven you should have put all of the side dishes into the bird, this simplifies the cooking process and keeps one from having so many pots and pans to wash.

Swami knows from watching the late Julia Child that it is necessary to open the oven several times to "paste the bird." Swami knows that Julia probably made her own, but Swami uses the ever popular Elmer's to paste the bird.

Shortly before the bird is done (which is usually 2-5 hours after it stops flapping its wings) prepare some gravy using the drippings from the bottom of the oven, or the pan, if you used one. Swami collects the dripping using his Sears wet & dry vac. Add the drippings to a large pot. You will also need 5 lbs of flour, a bottle of Worcestershire sauce, salt, and a bottle of cooking wine. Slowly stir in the flour, add a 1/2 teaspoon of salt and one bottle of Worcestershire. Then, as the mixture slowly simmers, drink the wine. That way the whole meal will seem much better.

Swami hopes you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving. And get to McDonald's early, before the rush from Swami's yurt.

Al Gore & The Presidential Candidates Can Save the Earth

2007-07-11T19:28:00.000-04:00

If Al Gore and the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates truly want to help the environment they would take the one, obvious, action that could save millions of barrels of oil per year and substantially reduce the pollution caused by excessive and unnecessary driving.

They should use all of their campaign funds to buy, and then give to every family in the U.S., a copy of Geoff Williams' book: C.C. Pyle's Amazing Foot Race: The True Story of the 1928 Coast-to-Coast Run Across America.

After three hundred million people read about the grueling 3423 mile foot race across the U.S., tens or even hundreds of thousands of people will think nothing of walking to the nearby grocery or running to work instead of using the family car.

Just think, buying Geoff's work is one of the most patriotic things you can do. Gee, they should have released his book on July 4th!!

Random Blitherings

2007-07-06T20:17:00.000-04:00

The Swami will share Eight Random Facts.

1. At the age of four Swami was given a set of solid wood building blocks which he still has. This is particularly noteworthy because it took place only a few months after the Italian genius, Alberto Lumberdini, had invented wood.

2. The pregnant Swamette and The Swami spent the Woodstock summer of 1969 traveling throughout western Europe with a rented Renault and a pup tent.

3. Swami might have been a professional singer and dancer. If he had any sense of rhythm and could carry a tune.

4. Swami, slowly, became aware that blogging took more time than he had available.

5. Swami once awakened from a drug-induced stupor to gaze at a vision of loveliness (well, to be more precise: Swami awoke from an emergency appendectomy to see a beautiful student nurse, who would one day be the Swamette).

6. Swami has two sons who each have books available on Amazon.com

7. I can hardly wait to finish this.

8. Swami is too merciful to inflict this upon anyone else. Well, perhaps Zak the Yak.

9. Bonus Point: It is Swami's bedtime.

By Jove, Clive. It Was A Jolly Good Time.

2007-04-11T18:44:00.000-04:00

The Swami has returned! Swami was afraid that if he did not post soon, some of his alert readers might notice that he had not posted in almost four weeks. Also, it seems, from her last comment on my March 16 post, Susan needs some warped humor. Far be it from The Swami to leave his DIL in a pickle.

If only Swami can get his Warp up to speed.

Swami and The Lovely Swamette just returned from a 40th Anniversary trip to England. Swami did not want to mention this in advance since it appears from their posting patterns that many of his readers may be out on work-release programs. And, as we all know, the recidivism rate among bloggers is several times that of the general population.

As you can see above, Swami dressed in mufti since the turban does cause a few problems. In fact, Swami usually has to get to the airport at least nine hours early to allow for the extra security. There seems to be a concern that Swami's turban might be concealing a shoe-bomb or a tactical nuclear weapon.

The first two photos are of Arundel Castle, home of The Duke of York. Our common ancestor, The Third Earl of Arundel, was Swami's great-grandfather (with 21 greats). Swami feels that he should be the rightful heir to the castle [Forget about the other one million plus descendants].

There were many beautiful things to see, but as you can tell from the photo below, from York, building maintenance is occasionally lacking.

Swami was pleasantly surprised to find that some of the people there speak a language somewhat similar to ours. Also, the difficulty in driving there is way overblown. Swami found that he was able to drive on the same side of the road as in the U.S. All you have to do is drive in reverse!

Swami will try to blog a bit more about England as he has time. And when it doesn't take five minutes per photo for Flogger to upload them.

Drive On, Swamette!!

2007-03-16T20:06:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has read many of The Swami's posts, knows that Swamette drives Swami crazy. In the best sense of the words.

Swamette, it has been noted by some, associates a lot with a known bird-brain. It is definitely true that Swamette has always loved and fed the birds. And, over the past year or two, she has become even more interested in our fine feathered friends. It brings back memories of the first time Swami encountered a Pterodactyl, with her delicate brow feathers, outside his cave. Well, that's another story.

Swami has long thought that The Lovely Swamette deserved unique transportation befitting her exalted station. Swami's first idea was for something stylish, yet understated. Something along the lines of a more feminine version of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. She did not go for that idea. Probably because it would not fit in the garage.

Swami then suggested a tasteful Swamette pennant that could fly from a flag holder on the front bumper of her car. Swamette, ever-particular, said no.

Well, folks, there was only one solution:

Fight Exorbitant Oil Profits; There is an Alternative.

2007-03-14T18:55:00.000-04:00

The Swami has enjoyed the warmer weather the last few days. It sort of reminds him of the warm spell in the spring of 22,754 B.Z. (Obviously even the unschooled realize that that refers to the period Before Zak the yak); naturally, there are the politically correct fanatics who refer to that period as BZE (Before the Zakian Era).

As the price of gas has crept back up, Swami has once again become concerned about the cost of transportation. Logically*, Swami knows that there must eventually be something to replace the infernal combustion engine. We logically* know that our grandchildren, and perhaps our children, will one day have to find an alternative means of travel.

Swami, despite being a financial adviser, has refrained from making investment recommendations on his blog. Now, however, Swami feels that he would be remiss if he did not suggest that at least a portion of everyone's portfolio be invested to profit from the transportation of the future. So just remember that you can be earning dividends even as your grandchildren and their children ride to work and school ... on their yaks.

What were you expecting: turban-powered taxis?? Actually, I believe that they have those already in New York City.

*Excuse me, folks; if you are looking for logic, you have come to the wrong place.

What's In A Name?

2007-03-06T18:32:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows The Swami knows that Swami thinks that nicknames are silly. That is, except when they are meaningful which, of course, all of the ones used by Swami are.

This is noteworthy since today, Lewis Libby, an assistant to the Vice President of the United States was convicted on four counts of being an adult with a ridiculous nickname : Scooter. Ladies and Gentlemen, it should be of utmost concern to all citizens when the advisers and highest elected officials in the nation are people with names like Scooter, Moonbeam and The Decider.

The Swami-client relationship, which is a sacred one, prohibits The Swami from disclosing the extensive list of actual nicknames [all meaningful] that apply to Swamette. Most of these nicknames are even suitable for mixed company.

Swami realized many years (decades? Millennia?) ago that there were no words to convey the sweetness of Swamette. Hey, you try to find a word that means: The Sweetness of Swamette!

Swami has checked everything from the Oxford English Dictionary to early texts in Cuneiform and Sanskrit to find a word that translates as: World's Sweetest Human Being. Thus, Swami has had to create his own words. I would expound upon this subject even more, but it is way past time to chase Swamette through the meadow.

Harry Potter: The Saga Continues

2007-02-27T19:58:00.000-05:00

Swami was checking to see the ranking of his older son, Geoff's book on Amazon. [Kevin's book will not be out until 2008, so it is not yet available for pre-sale]. Geoff's book (C.C. Pyle's Amazing Foot Race: The True Story of the 1928 Coast-to-Coast Run Across America) is coming out July 10, and has been ranked as high as about 38,000. Inexplicably, another book, that does not come out until July 21, (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) is ranked #2 on Amazon. Go figure.

The Swami believes that it is possible that the ranking of Harry Potter is due in part to what may be the hype that this is the "final" book in the Potter series. Swami's unique sources have led him to believe that there may, in fact, be more books in the series, and that they are already in the planning stages.

Yes folks, within a couple of years you may be reading the 8th and 9th books in the series. Thats right, Harry Potter and the Weasel of Doom, followed by the long-awaited Harry Potter and the 80 Acres of Yaks. The latter book takes place in a veritable Eden and has a sub-plot wherein Harry attempts to train a Boston Terrier to herd yaks as he (Harry, you ninnies, not the Boston) continues to battle the forces of evil.

The actual "final" tome may be book ten, which follows a crotchety Harry as he becomes a door-to-door salesman in a British nudist colony. Rumor has it that Harry may already be in training for this job.

Meanwhile The Swami must round up the herd and head for the hills.

The Cable Guy & Zak the Yak

2007-02-17T20:25:00.000-05:00

Swami spent the day trying to get his cable TV connection fixed. Oh sure you are probably thinking that The Swami's cable connection succumbed to the snow and ice. Oh no, nothing that simple. Our cable box has apparently been hacked by some computer maniac.

For the past week or more our local channels have been replaced by The Snow Terror Channel and The White Doom Breaking News Report. Then a couple of days ago when we finally gave up on the local channels and decided to switch to CNN, it was replaced by The All Anna Nicole Smith All-the Time Channel. Well, at least Swamette and I thought that it couldn't get any worse.

Well, Wrong-o again, Baldini. Today CNN switched to All Anna Nicole & All Britney All-the-Time.

Swami is going to turn off the TV and go back out and feed the yaks. Zak and the yaks seem to exhibit much more class and intelligence than most of the celebrities on TV.

Going To The Dogs With 425 Horsepower

2007-02-13T19:49:00.000-05:00

As Swami was beginning to blog he glanced over his shoulder at his wood-burning flat panel TV and saw the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. They were showing a clip of last year's winner, a bull terrier named Rufus, which has to be one of the ugliest dogs there is. Swami would post a link to his photo, but he does not want to take the time to find a photo nor does he want to do five to ten for copyright infringement.

As The Swami has often mentioned, The Lovely Swamette is wonderful and wise. However, there are times when she has been able to influence Swami to make an unwise decision. Such was the case several years ago when Swamette in her wisdom convinced The Swami that he should take advantage of a late summer sale on snowblowers.

Today we had about 4-5 inches of snow topped with a hard crust of about 1-2 inches of mixed snow and ice. After getting home without too much trouble, Swami ate a delicious dinner and then went out to clear the driveway (which had also been driven over by several cars by that time).

Forty-five minutes later when Swami dragged himself back into his abode, he knew for sure that he should have bought the snowblower that was his first choice: The one with the Hemi.

As Swami was blogging he glanced over his shoulder at his wood-burning flat panel TV and saw the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. They were showing a clip of last year's winner, a bull terrier named Rufus, which has to be one of the ugliest dogs there is. Swami would post a link to his photo, but he does not want to take the time to find a photo nor does he want to do five to ten for copyright infringement.

An Over-heated Turban?

2007-02-10T18:26:00.000-05:00

Swami is beginning to wonder why he bothered to get the road salt washed off of the yaks today. The local weather men, those perennial prophets of DOOM, are forecasting snow that may equal or exceed the 17" we received on Dec 24, 2004. Other online weather sites say an inch or two. Just to be safe, the weathermen are recommending panic.

Swami noticed that yesterday Susan mentioned that the heater in one of their cars had not been working, but that she fixed it and it was really putting out "HOT HEAT." That is really a coincidence. Just today Swami noticed that the heat in his vehicle had gotten really hot. At first The Swami thought he must have bumped the heater control, but then he realized that the auxiliary heater in his turban had shorted out. Fortunately, there was no serious damage to the turban, al though several nearby buildings nearly burned down. Swami believes that it is possible that his turban may have overheated while he was in deep thought over the term "hot heat." Swami, personally, has not encountered any other type of heat.

The near-zero degree weather the past week or so has forced The Swami to have to go out and top off the yaks' anti-freeze a couple of times. At least it is a little more convenient to do so now that it's possible to keep the boxes of anti-freeze chilled in the fridge.

Does Snow Bring Out The Flakes?

2007-02-06T21:03:00.000-05:00

The weather men were predicting DOOM. Offices were closing early. Cincinnati was expecting 4-6 meters of snow. Well, at least people were acting and driving like we were about to get at least 4-6 feet of snow. We actually got about 7 inches of snow.

That was enough to turn a 40 minute drive into 2 1/2 hours. Swami thinks that he must have taken a wrong turn as he left Cincinnati, because he apparently went through northern Minnesota and four feet of snow on the way home. That is the only explanation he can think of to explain what could have caused traffic to go as slowly as it did.

The Swami had NO trouble walking from his office to the parking garage or staying upright while walking behind the snowblower. Why, you say? Because Swami was wearing his Yak Trax. There is little doubt that Swami should have ridden Zak the Yak to and from work today.

Is This Zombie Awareness Week?

2007-02-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

Swamette, despite momentarily having second thoughts about her arthroscopic knee surgery, had a successful knee operation. She decided that the alternative, having Swami get out his Time-Life Book of Home Surgery, was not a good idea.

Swamette is recovering well. She is already able to walk without the walker that she used for the first couple of days. She is now using a nice squirrel-handled cane that Susan gave her for Christmas. I believe that Swamette may be trying to use this surgery as an excuse to slack off a bit. She keeps saying that she does not think that she can help to herd the yaks while she is using a cane. I'm sure that most people would agree that this is a pretty lame excuse.

While cruising the internet Swami came across a site that he is sure many of you will find very helpful in alleviating one of your concerns. The Zombie Preparedness Initiative will give you tips if you lie awake at night worrying about an attack of the Zombies. Visiting that site will also have another very salutary effect: by comparison Yak Herder Central will appear to be a mecca of mental health.

The Swami has received a confidential report from The Bureau of Land Management. It specifically makes reference to a clear-cut case of failure to fully utilize 80 acres of woodland in southeastern Ohio. In that case the land is deemed to be highly suitable for raising a herd of yaks. Yet, for reasons that are almost beyond comprehension [well, The Swami's comprehension] the owners of the land have no yaks. I know, it boggles the mind, doesn't it?!

Swamette to the Vet, Not Yet.

2007-01-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

Kentucky Derby-winning racehorse Barbaro was euthanized today. That event had an immediate effect on Swamette and our plans for tomorrow.

Tuesday morning Swamette is scheduled for arthroscopic surgery on her right knee. The original plan was to have Zak the Yak's vet do the surgery. However, after the news about Barbaro, Swami decided that in case there were any complications he did not want to risk having the vet put Swamette down.

In other news today, Swami discovered that a Google search for Swamette turned up an art "masterpiece" by the name of Swamette's Secret. This gem is, unfortunately, in The Museum of Bad Art. Bummer. I would expect to find Swamette in the Met.

Thanks to Susan Gets Native, Zak saw some photos of baby yaks. He thought they might be his nephews. It appears to The Swami that they were just taken out of the washer and dryer during the fluff cycle. This reminds Swami that it is time for today's laundry tip: remember when washing your wife's yak skin thong and your socks, they both go on the top rack with the glasses and cups.

Sex Sells; Who Knew!

2007-01-26T13:54:00.000-05:00

The Swami was listening to his wood-burning radio earlier this week when he had a Eureka! moment. The announcer mentioned a story about how some Seattle coffee shops are boosting sales at their drive-thrus by having scantilly clad baristas.

As you can well imagine, Swamette is going to be thrilled out of her gourd when I tell her how sales of yak milk are going to increase once she stands at our window in her two-piece yak fur bikini selling fermenting yak milk. [Yes, I know that was a run-on sentence.]

Wow, Swamette is going to have a great time. milking yaks, selling yak milk; milking yaks, selling yak milk; milking yaks, selling yak milk; milking...well, you get the idea. Don't worry though, she is still going to have enough time to clean out the yak stables and serve Swami his three gourmet meals a day.
THUD!!
Oops, The Swami dozed off there and fell out of his chair while dreaming.
Well, time for me to go clean the stables.

De-toothification

2007-01-20T21:34:00.000-05:00

The Swami possesses many great powers. The Swami has never possessed strong teeth. [We shall skip any allusions as to whether Swami is merely possessed --- or whether he should be repossessed].

Swami over the years had slowly progressed to the point where the majority of his teeth had received root canals. One of Swami's less memorable Christmases was when a very nice English dentist did a root canal on Christmas Day 1977 in Dubai, so that Swamette, The Boys and I could leave the next day on a flight to the Far East.

Last Tuesday Swami had the last of several weeks of dental work done. It culminated in having the last six upper teeth removed and the upper denture inserted. Swami now knows the true meaning of the word "sore." Swami, who was awake but numbed, developed a very quick, and deep appreciation for what any dental patient prior to anesthesia had to go through.

The Swami almost had the vapors when the dentist asked his assistant for "the mallet." No folks, Swami is not making funny; that is actually what the dentist said and what he used at one point. Fortunately, prior to that point Swami had not irritated the dentist by attempting to inflict any humor upon him. The good news is that with relatively little [read: no] effort Swami has been able to go from 185 to 175 lbs. in only eight days. I can tell as I ride Zak the Yak up the valley that he appreciates my weight loss.

After seeing what an effective weight loss program this is, Swami may be patenting and franchising the all new Denture Diet Plan. (Opening soon in a strip mall near you).

If you want to get in on the ground floor of "Swami's Denture's In An Hour Weight Loss Plan," start saving for your franchise fee now. Swami may need to begin advertising this and other money-making opportunities (for Swami) on this web site soon.

Hey, you think it is cheap for Swamette to pay for prescriptions to keep Swami semi-sedated?!

No Antifreeze For The Weasel

2007-01-15T21:52:00.001-05:00

The Swami is doing some deep-breathing as he types. It is supposed to relieve stress and frustration. Oh, I wish.

After speaking with the ever-friendly wireless phone company, I now have exactly the same service and number of minutes as before I began taking to them. However, I am now going to be paying $20.00 less per month. This is good. But why should you have to check periodically to ask if there are better rates, rather than the newer rates automatically applying. Swami really needed something else to keep track of.

With colder weather finally approaching the steppes of outer Ohio, Swami was busy today putting antifreeze in his turban, as well as in his adhesion meter.

Fortunately, some of the old stand-by tools, such as Swami's Garden Weasel, do not require much maintenance. It is a little known fact (and absolutely true) that about 15-20 years ago Swami received a Garden Weasel as an anniversary present from his son's. Swami, who has always been two mules short of a wagon train, had found the name "Garden Weasel" amusing.

Swami's sons had obviously, and wrongly, assumed that such a gift might put an end to such hilarity.

During one of the Winter Olympics I had suggested something along the lines that the ice skaters should have to perform a Triple Lutz while using a Garden Weasel. Trust me, it was much funnier if you had been there. Well, of course, you are thinking: It could not be less funny.

Some Cheesy Ruminations

2007-01-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

The thousands of regular readers of Yak Herder Central may have noticed that The Swami has been a bit remiss (hey, that sounds better than lazy). Swami has developed a greater appreciation for those people who blog daily, or at least five days a week. He has discovered that it actually takes time and --- Horror of horrors --- you have to think! Don't laugh. Intense thinking can, and has, caused Swami's turban to start smoldering from overheating.

Unfortunately, Swami's parents are both deceased. This, as I may have mentioned before, means that I am an orphan. Despite repeated entreaties, Bill Gates has not seen fit to adopt Swami. And before someone suggests that Swami seek adoption by Madonna or Angelina Jolie, remember: Swami does have some standards.

Until such time as the desired adoption occurs, Swami will continue working. Swami has not had as much time to blog since he is, among other things, learning a new computer system since my employer has been acquired by another organization. Swami thinks that it would save a lot of time by cutting out all of the intermediate acquisitions and moving directly to the stage where every business is a division of Walmart! That seems to be the direction we are headed.

Returning to my theme [THEME?,....I HAVE A THEME?!?...Since when does the Swami have a theme? Well, turn up the volume, huh...Oh, NOT that kind of theme?] Easy does it. As I was saying, I now understand why my older son, Geoff, a freelance writer, gave up on writing a daily blog AFTER spending the entire day writing articles, columns or books.

I believe that this is the point where Swami is required to plug Geoff's book which is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Now to avoid sibling rivalry, of which there is very little. Here is a plug for younger son Kevin's business blog and his book from a couple years ago [a second book of Kevin's will be out in 2008].

You have just seen before your very eyes why, as a change of pace at least, it would be helpful for The Swami to have a theme for his post. This has been the product of Swami ruminating as he munched on some yak cheese. Ruminating is a habit Swami picked up from Zak. I wonder though, can one ruminate and munch at the same time?

See, this is the type of thing that can lead to a smoldering turban.

Is The Swami Ready For A Twelve Step Program?

2007-01-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

Well, "they" say the first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that there is a problem. The Swami is at least acknowledging that he might have a problem. The Swami has not yet heard of any supplier of "crack caffeine" but as a close second Swami was supplied for Christmas with some chocolate-covered coffee beans.

Hey, one snack that provides two of the major food groups: chocolate and caffeine. How can you beat that?

When Swami arrived home today, he emptied his pockets and discovered a, Huh ....what is that?!

Well, after examining the object at the left, Swami realized that he had at various times during the day put a vitamin and later a chocolate-covered coffee bean into his suit pocket. Yes, Swami must wear a suit to work. Rest assumed though that Swami's suit and pin-stripe turban make a fine ensemble.

Swami is still in deep thought as to whether this could be the world's next break-thru product: a chocolate-covered coffee bean that is fortified with vitamins!! It's practically a complete meal!

All right, I know that this is not a balanced diet. For that you would have to add: a beaker of yak milk, a hunk of yak cheese and, as a vegetable, a packet of ketchup.

Swami has been keeping an eye on the OSU-Florida football game as he types this. How, you might ask, can The Swami write such meaningful prose and watch TV. You might ask that, but then again you might also need help distinguishing what constitutes great prose. Well, oh wise readers, Swami merely raises the periscope in his turban and turns it toward the TV.

From what Swami has seen so far in the first quarter and a half, it's a good thing that Swamette rolled a couple of extra barrels of fermented yak milk into the cooler.

Toward the Primordial Slime

2007-01-05T20:53:00.000-05:00

Swamette and Swami recently participated in National Geographic's Genographic Project. This past week we "received" our results. That is we could view the results and print them from The Genographic Project website. If you have an interest in genealogy (in a macro sense), history, anthropology or just want to have something to bore your friends with, this is it.

If you want the specifics and technical details you might want to roam around their site. Here, however, I can give you a quick overview of our results as interpreted after a few vats of fermented yak milk.

If you are a follower of Bishop Usher and believe that God created the world at 9 am on an October morn in 4004 B.C. --- you might as well stop reading now.

Up until this week Swamette had been suitably impressed that The Swami's ancestry on his mother's side could be traced back to the Earl of Arundel and at least to one of the Sureties at the signing of the Magna Carta. Well, Swami thought he had gone one better by having parts of his genetic code traced back to east Africa between 31,000 - 79,000 years ago. Not bad, I thought.

But no, Swamette has to show off. Her Haplogroup U5 DNA traces back to its oldest common ancestor at about 50,000 years ago. And it is descended (as I believe I understand it) from the much older Haplogroup L1 to between 150,000 - 170,000 years ago.

It is at this point that The Swami's great powers of logic, intuition, deduction, prestidigitation, distrimulation, charlatanism and other mysteries of olde allow us to see a more detailed tableau.

The Swami is confident that it would have been his ancestors who invented the wheel. This is a case of elementary logic: How else would the early nomadic tribesmen have utilized the drive-thru window at Og's Yak Burgerama. By simple extrapolation (and discombobulation) we can conclude that these same ancestors of Swami had to have mastered the making and use of fire to cook the yak burgers. It is as sure as that the knight follows the damsel.

Or as sure as The Swami follows the Swamette.

The Year of the Yak

2006-12-31T15:34:00.000-05:00

On behalf of the entire management and staff of Yak Herder Central, we wish everyone, including the yaks of the world:

Happy New Year

And as an added bonus to our faithful readers and the yaks of the world (and to stop Zak the Yak's badgering) we are declaring 2007 "The Year of the Yak." In rereading the previous sentence, Swami noticed a possible redundancy since many of our readers may BE yaks.

We know that you are probably staring, stupified, at your computer thinking how can I possibly thank The Swami (other than sending small, unmarked bills) for declaring 2007 The Year of the Yak? Oh, yes, we have heard rumors that there are some nuthatches that might be staring at their computers thinking: What is the procedure for having a blogger relocated to a heavily padded room?

Needless to say, Swami needs a couple of vats of fermented yak milk in order to stimulate his creativity, which obviously needs some stimulating.

Again, Happy New Year to All!!

Bits, Bulbs and Boners

2006-12-30T12:29:00.000-05:00

Swamette usually has very good ideas. From vast, past experience Swami has learned that it is usually a good idea (sorry, I mean a great idea) to listen to The Lovely Swamette. Because we went a bit overboard for Christmas, Swamette thought that we should try to save some money on other things if at all possible.

This, however, was not one of Swamette's best ideas. In fact, this is the last time that Swami will try to save money by getting his dental work done by Zak the Yak's veterinarian.

Today was warmer than usual for this time of year, but that was good. Like a procastinatic yak, Swami finally got around to planting the daffodil bulbs that Swamette bought several months ago. [Hey, you try working "procrastinatic yak" into a sentence. And, okay, so it isn't in your dictionary; it still should be a word]. As I tried to explain to Swamette, this was my plan all along.

Well, Charlie Gibson of ABC just delivered a scoop of sorts during his coverage of President Ford's funeral in the Capitol in Washington D.C. As the camera was scanning the crowd in the rotunda Charlie was identifying various people; "...and there is Representative John Boehner of Michigan...". That was the first that I was aware that our representative had moved from Ohio to Michigan!

Actually, trying to anchor coverage of something like this, with multiple audio and video feeds, Swami will cut Charlie Gibson some slack. However, with President Ford's funeral, James Brown's funeral, and the execution of Saddam Hussein, all happening almost simultaneously, Swami has had visions of tired, wacked-out correspondents delivering something along the lines of:

"We have now received confirmation of the execution of "The Godfather of Soul." But before we bring you gruesome closeup footage, we will go to our correspondent in New York who will tell us why Saddam Hussein pardoned Gerald Ford. But first a few words from our sponsor, Big Bob's Used Dentures."

Perhaps The Swami should cut-back on the fermented yak milk and stick with the (very tasty) yak cheese.

A Yak-a-foosian Christmas?

2006-12-25T21:07:00.000-05:00

Swami is still trying to recover from Christmas and cuteness overload (that is in NO way a complaint). Swami and Swamette are enjoying some delicious yak cheese. It brought a tear to Zak's eye when he smelled and saw the yak cheese.

Swami also received a Yak Plaque. To be totally honest, the first thing The Swami thought was: Yak Plaque, Oh no, Swamette warned me not to share my toothbrush with Zak the Yak. Fortunately, it was not that type of plaque. Swami also, received the "YakTrax" Walker for walking on ice or packed snow. [yaktrax.com]

There was one major disappointment. The yak-hair thong Swami ordered for Swamette was out of stock. Bummer.

However, lest you think it was an entirely yak-themed Christmas, 'twas not so, reindeer breath!!

It was also a Zickefoosian Christmas. A Red-tailed hawk water color for Susan; Julie's book, Letters from Eden, for Rachel; Julie's birds on sweaters from a nature catalog (me thinks it was National Wildlife) for Swamette and Susan.

Hope Everyone had a Merry Christmas (and happy holidays) and that all (or both) of my readers [and, yes, everyone else as well] have a very Happy and Healthy New Year.

What A Deal!!

2006-12-22T22:54:00.000-05:00

Well, Swami is trying to wrap up his Christmas shopping, figuratively and literally. There are a few last-minute special presents that Swami is in the process of bidding for on EBAY. Wow, I hope the bids are successful. It was really a stroke of luck to find such unique items.

Swami is currently the high bidder for two one-of-a-kind items: A hunting rifle once owned by St. Francis of Assisi and a motorcycle that was a gift to Attila the Hun's mother.

Gee, what are the odds of being lucky enough to come across two deals like this?

Swami does not like to say, "I told you so," but it certainly appears to me that traveling by yak this holiday season would be much more reliable than flying out of Denver's airport.

And don't forget, if you are traveling with yaks, be sure not to forget that you will need a photo ID for each member of your party.

A Very Berry Christmas: (or what IS he drinking?)

2006-12-20T18:41:00.000-05:00

Swami was not able to blog yesterday as he was slightly under the weather. I find yak-milk ice cream irresistible. When a neighboring yak herder set up a stand selling yak-milk ice cream, Swami had to stop by to get some. The "Very Berry" sounded yummy, so I got the super-sized Ya-mongous size.

Unfortunately, it was only after polishing off the whole bowl that I noticed that the flavor was actually beriberi.

While recovering, Swami listened to his wood-burning radio. There is no doubt that the quality of music has gone down over the past 30-40 years. Some of what comes out of the speakers isn't talk and isn't music. Swami is at a loss as to what it is. One of these "things" was by a person called Snoop Yaky-Yak. The announcer referred to it as rap music.

If ever there was an oxymoron it is "rap music." If anyone has ever done (I cannot bring myself to say sung) a rap love song, I am unaware of it. It is impossible for The Swami to conceive of a love song that includes: Ho, b*tch, sl*t and other such endearments.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No yaks were harmed in the making of this post.
It is with deep regret, however, that we must disclaim the disclaimer by acknowledging that the yaks that were within earshot of the rap now have ears that are shot.

Amish Yaks??

2006-12-18T19:13:00.000-05:00

Through a very rigorous process of logical deduction, I have concluded that many of you who love birds and yaks must wonder: where can I find an Amish yak. Regrettably, at the moment, The Swami is unable to answer that question. But fear not. We are working on it.

In the meantime I refer you to my younger son's blog, The Amish Cook, which is now listed on the right side of the page. He conceived of a newspaper column and found an old order Amish woman to write it when he was just 19. For the last 15 years his company, Oasis Newsfeatures, has syndicated the column. It is now in more that 115 newspapers throughout the US. You can learn more of the history of the column by clicking on the About tab on his blog and then clicking on "About The Amish Cook."

It is with great disappointment (that I know readers of Yak Herder Central will share) when I tell you that the last time Swami checked there were no Amish recipes for cream of yak soup on the site or in any of the cook books sold there. This is an omission which I find almost unconscionable. In one of the richest nations on earth grown men are going to bed without being able to have even a small cup of warm yak soup. It almost rivals the heartbreak of psoriasis.

What makes this tragedy all the more preventable is that at this very moment there is an animal-lover in the foothills of the Appalachians of southeast Ohio who has the perfect 80-acre Eden for these beautiful bovine beasts of burden. Sure, some nit-picking purists will say that yaks should have mountains at least several thousand feet higher than this Eden provides. The Swami says: Picky, Picky, Picky. Several weeks and several bulldozers and that problem can be rectified. Besides, Swami bets Liam would love driving a bulldozer for a few hours a day!

Well, the Swami must go. It is time for Monday Night Yak Football.

Photographing Geriatric Yaks

2006-12-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry loyal readers, or reader, Swami has not blogged for several days. Like a flea market canoe, Swami has been swamped.

It was a tough choice: blog, or keep searching the internet and comparing cameras. Several times I got as far as putting a camera or a camera body in the checkout basket, only to go back and reconsider what is the best choice vs what I'd really like [Canon EOS 1Ds Mark II 16.7MP Digital SLR Camera (Body Only) $6,814.95] vs what I really need( a disposable camera for 9.95?) vs what I want to spend for what is reasonable.

After checking the mail today and seeing that I did not receive a photo assignment from National Geographic (which is strange, since I did not apply for one,...Hmmm) I ruled out the 16.7 Megapixel. Well, that's one less choice. Progress.

Swami almost had a very good deal on a Canon EF 12-800mm f/1.4-22 telephoto auto zoom image-stabilized lens for only $139.95 from a very nice man in Nigeria, but his internet connection must be temporarily down. I lost contact shortly after I gave him all my personal and financial information. Well, I'm sure he will ship the lens in time for Christmas.

It is strange how pictures sometimes get distorted over the internet. The glass in the lens photo looked a lot like the bottom of a Coke bottle.

I had to stop looking at cameras today because I spent an hour and 37 minutes on the phone with my insurance agent trying to find out why the premiums on my yaks went up so much. There was just that one little incident in the china shop and once the walls and floors were repaired they were able to glue a lot of the china back together again.

This may well lead to a class action discrimination lawsuit. It was a geriatric yak that tripped in the china shop. Raising rates on a geriatric yak is probably age discrimination and discrimination against yaks. Swami is very confident that he will have no problem finding an attorney to take the case.

It's A Wrap

2006-12-11T12:35:00.000-05:00

Swami has always been very tolerant of other people's beliefs and traditions. If someone puts their unwrapped gifts under the tree on Christmas Eve instead of putting wrapped gifts there two weeks before (in order to drive people mad with curiousity) that is ok.

In fact, Swami is so tolerant that it seems fine to me if Christians, Jews, Muslims, agnostics, athetists, Druids, and others all celebrate Christmas in the traditional way: unfettered, half-crazed shopping.

[Today's note of interest: While perusing Wikipedia's list of world religions Swami noted that Scientology is listed under "Alien Religions."] Hmmm,...I thought that Tom Cruise seemed to be in orbit.

Back to putting gifts under the tree. Swami and the lovely Swamette usually wrap and place gifts under the tree in the weeks before Christmas. We wrapped a number of gifts this past weekend. For reasons beyond our control, we had to spend nearly six hours wrapping one gift. We thought that it would be a fairly quick job. Swamette and I were pleasantly surprised that the gift required no assembly nor did we have to run out to buy batteries. Still, we were very surprised by how long it took to wrap a yak.

At one point Swami decided that the only way to do it was to first hog-tie the yak. The yak was not co-operative (This is what I believe is referred to as an understatement). After the three of us rolled around on the ground for nearly 20 minutes, the dust settled and I discovered that I had inadvertently hog-tied Swamette. Swami will deny that any very interesting ideas flashed though his mind at that point.

Well, to make a long story longer, let's just say that we decided that this one time, we will put an unwrapped gift under the tree.

Deck Your Yak With Boughs of Holly

2006-12-08T09:10:00.000-05:00

As you might well imagine, at this time of year The Swami is often asked, "What is the best way to decorate my yak for Christmas?"

As you may have surmised, Swami is pretty much a traditionalist. Yet, at the same time, Swami does try to always to remain tasteful and not allow himself to just follow the crowd. That is why, for example, Swami would not copy the rotating, flashing pink-flamingos that Britney might have on her double-wide.

Swami prefers to decorate his Christmas yak with several thousand tiny white lights. This has the added benefit of helping to keep Zak warm on a cold winter's night. On the other-hand, Swamette is always complaining that she gets very cold as she follows him around the hills and meadows trying to keep the extension cords plugged in. We really do need to convert to a steam-driven battery pack before next Christmas.

[Required Legal Disclaimer: Do not connect more than one yak per extension cord. Never decorate your yak with lighted candles.]

Finally, Swami has always felt that a wreath around your yak's neck is a festive Christmas touch.

Yak Skin Clearance Sale??

2006-12-07T20:18:00.000-05:00

Not surprisingly, Swami has had many aspiring yak herders ask, "Where can I get a good yak-skin rug for in front of our fireplace as a Christmas present for my wife?"

Well, guys, let's be real as we say out in the meadows. You and I both know who you expect the real beneficiary of such a present would be. I hate to be the one to give you the bad news.

Swami bought a reindeer skin in Norway many years ago thinking it would be a great complement to our fireplace. As far as its desired effect on Swamette, The Swami would have been way ahead if he had spent the money on a couple of vats of fermented yak milk for the Swamette. We would highly recommend Norway for the scenery, but don't make a trip just for a reindeer skin.

Please forgive Swami for a brief lapse into lucidity, but while on the subject of Norway I should mention an incident that happened when we were there. As we were parked awaiting a ferry to cross a fjord, Swamette realized her purse containing four passports, jewelery and virtually all our cash was missing. After thinking and calling a restaurant we had eaten at an hour back the way we had come, we drove back to find not a farthing missing (of course, you ninnies, we had not had any farthings to start with). Nothing was missing and they would not take any money, until Swamette finally said if they did not want the money she gave them to give it to a charity.

We are sure there are others who would have done the same, but it was generally a great place with wonderful people.

We will now return to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

Yak TV??

2006-12-05T20:21:00.000-05:00

It is here at last! The channel that yak fans have been clamoring for.

Mongolian Internet TV

Please, Please. Restrain yourselves. I know that this is exciting news and most of the readers of Yak Herder Central are eager to sign up for Mongolian TV. You may want to wait a bit though.

Contrary to many expectations, Zak the Yak does not yet have his own show. There are some other shortcomings of Mongolian Internet TV. The schedule is a bit sparse. Programing does not begin until late afternoon. It is much like TV in the US was in the late 1940s.

As a public service The Swami wondered how he could help Mongolian TV lurch forward into the 21st century without taking the 50+ years that it took the US to move from only a few hours of TV per day to the cornucopia of wonderful, highly-educational choices we have today. Swami asked himself what is the key difference between 1950s TV and today's TV.

Eureka!! Infomercials. That's what's missing.

By Jove, Clive. I believe that's the answer.

All that the Mongolian TV channel needs to do is add 16-18 hours a day of infomercials for Flab Master, Yak-hair Toupees, get-rich-quick schemes for selling yak milk by yak mail, and The Yurt Shopping Network.

And above all, Mongolian TV is probably more uplifting than our evening news.

Yaks In The Attic

2006-12-02T22:50:00.000-05:00

Swami was awakened at about 3 am Saturday by an urgent phone call seeking help. The caller was distraught because he feared that his attic was the site of a yak infestation. After calming the person and going through the standard 47-question checklist, The Swami determined that the caller did not have yaks in the attic, he had bats in the belfry.

Still, in order to relieve his yak anxiety, Swami explained that the best way to avoid an unwanted yak infestation is to spray Yak 'B' Gone around the perimeter of one's property. It should be sprayed in a counter-clockwise direction during a full moon. This absolutely works. No one who has used this method has ever had a yak infestation. Amazing, but true.

Where else can you get such invaluable (or is the word un-valuable) information. On second thought, it is not necessary to answer that question.

A Chortling We Will Go

2006-12-01T18:18:00.000-05:00

When I arrived home today Swamette was sitting on the floor in middle of the family room. She was surrounded by bulging shopping bags and she was chortling incoherently. As every married man knows, it is not a good sign when your wife is chortling! Swami has no idea what chortling is, but he knows it when he hears it.

Since first slithering out of the prehistoric ooze, there are two things that the primeval male brain knows when he hears a female chortling: 1. He should begin slowly backing away; 2. The chortler has just returned from shopping. Some scientists believe that chortling is a vestigial sound of frustration made by female lifeforms who had learned to shop even before they had arms to carry the packages in.

In this case the Swamette had spent (spent being the operative word) the day with a friend. Every year these two inveterate shoppers take it upon themselves to do whatever is humanly possible to re-invigorate the U.S. economy. To the best of my knowledge they have single-handedly kept the economy from sinking into a depression for at least the last 15 years.

Swami has to run. He hears chortling again.

Roxy the Wonder Dog

2006-11-28T19:13:00.000-05:00

Roxy was groomed today. They did a pretty good job. And it is a lot less expensive than when we get Zak the Yak groomed. And you think it is bad when a wet dog shakes out its coat. Try standing there when a yak comes out of the tub!

I'm often asked: "Swami, what kind of dog do you recommend that we get to herd our yaks."

"Well," I answer, sheepishly, "a Shetland Sheep Dog or Sheltie."

It is the perfect dog for all occasions. Swami and Swamette have had three Shelties. Some people complain that they shed too much of their long hair. Look at the bright side, once you have your yaks housebroken and your yaks begin shedding on your couch, you will already be used to it.

Roxy is a great dog, she gets along with Quagmire the cat and Zak the Yak. Roxy does get a bit jealous when Zak sleeps on the foot of our bed.

The seminar today was actually pretty useful, but I refrained from offering the presenters any hay.

Yak Training By Yak Trainer

2006-11-27T18:29:00.000-05:00

The Swami will probably not be blogging for a couple days since he has to attend two day-long seminars. I'm not sure, but I'm hoping it has to do with advanced yak-herding techniques.

The reason that I am fairly opimistic that the seminar is about yak herding is that the photo below is one of the instructors. Obviously this is one of those dressy sessions where you have to wear a tie.

I do not know if I can get bonus points with our instructor by taking my birthday yak hand-puppet with me. I sure hope so, I need all the help I can get. About two years ago we invited the instructor's cousin Boris over for Christmas dinner. He was one of the best dinners we ever had, but I think the rest of the family may still miss him.

Perhaps it would be better if I just happened to have a bale of hay in my attache case and I could share that with him.

Birthday Highs & Lows

2006-11-25T12:43:00.000-05:00

The Swami had a very enjoyable birthday dinner with his family today. The Little Swamettes, Isabelle and Lorelei, were there along with all of the other tykes and tykettes (can your children still be tykes at 36?). What am I asking? Of course, they can!

Kevin and Rachel's card showed a Far Side prehistoric band that they thought had probably played at Swami's prom. Actually, I believe that band had gone into retirement before then. Geoff and Susan's card had a loon on the front, I think they were trying to make some link to the Swami, but I don't know what that could possibly be.

Most of Swami's other birthdays have been very enjoyable as well. There was one birthday, however, that was most distressful.

Swamette and I were traveling in Europe and wanted to be sure that before we returned home that we saw the world-famous yak museum that some friends had told us about. Plus, Zak wanted us to bring back photos from it so he could learn more about his heritage. We were somewhat surprised by the fact that such a museum would be in London instead of, say, in Mongolian or New Mexico.

Anyway, we had decided the yak museum in London would be a great place to visit on my birthday. We exited at the Baker Street Underground station and headed for Marylebone Street. So, filled with anticipation, we rounded the corner and there it was ......Arrrrrrggghh. Oh no, it was NOT Madame Tussaud's Yaks Museum!

From Shopping Horror To Yak Ecstasy

2006-11-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

The first part of this post was begun Friday. The last part after Mary alerted me to the Nov 24 post on Julie Zickefoose's blog.

Swami joined the Swamette at The Hall of Horrors, ...oops, I mean the Mall of Sales Friday morning. We accomplished a lot of our Christmas shopping and if the sedatives don't run out I should be recovered by Christmas.

We did save a lot of money though. In fact, I did a couple of quick calculations and at the rate we were saving money, if we could have shopped for a few more hours we could have saved ourselves right into poverty.

The Swami feels that it is his moral obligation to try to easy the tension of Christmas shopping. You are at this very moment probably wondering what will I buy for all of the people on my list.

First stick with quality. Don't get careless and buy a counterfeit product when, for example, what you really want is a genuine Chia Yak.

Buy something that the person would not have gone to the trouble or spent the money to buy for them self. Who wouldn't love a combination gravy ladle/shoe horn or the ever-popular folding toothbrush and earwax removal tool. And how about a heavy-duty hair brush that you and your yak can share (it helps you bond, as you begin to smell similar).

PART II
Yes, yes , yes (no, no, no, not that kind of yes). This is a yak yes. We can now all observe to see whether Julie begins a slow transformation from painting birds to painting yaks. Soon she will be letting the birds fend for themselves as she is too busy grooming and housebreaking her yaks. Then she will take up spinning so she can cloth Bill, Phoebe and Liam in yak hair sweaters.
They will all be toasty as they go out this winter to herd the yaks.

I know that the previous paragraph is not likely to happen, since Julie will probably want to housebreak her yaks so that they can join the family in the house. Trust me, this will be a life-changing experience.

Thanksgiving Family Photo

2006-11-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

We were very fortunate this Thanksgiving. As you can see from the family photo The Swami took earlier today, despite an unexpected sandstorm, our family and friends arrived on time.

As you can probably tell some of them had come very far, some even from the untamed regions of Indiana and southern Ohio. As is obvious, everyone had worn their newest and most fashionable clothes.

Since most of our guests were only able to stay until late afternoon, it was somewhat of a rush to service and lube their transportation for the return trip. The Swami was able to offer a couple of back-up yaks. In truth, however, one should always be very careful when backing-up a yak.

Swamette is a wonderful cook. However, her idea of how much food to prepare is apparently based upon what it would take to feed a royal yak battalion. This means Swami will still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers as we celebrate the summer solstice.

Swami and Swamette hope that you too had much to be thankful for.

Giving Thanks...For Swamette

2006-11-22T17:40:00.000-05:00

The following is an absolutely true story [you should not infer from the previous statement that ALL my other posts are not absolutely true,...but you get the idea]:

About eight years ago Swamette, who is an RN (you probably figured out already that The Swami should be under constant medical supervision) was in charge of an orthopedic unit of a local hospital. In the course of a conversation with an older female physician, Swamette learned that the lady would be alone on Thanksgiving and so Swamette invited the woman to join us for dinner.

The Thanksgiving meal was delicious as always and everything went very well. That year we had a total of eleven people (we are expecting 16 this Thanksgiving with new additions to the family since then).

After the doctor left, most of our family members were still around and we were teasing Swamette about inviting "a stranger" to dinner and I said to her, "who are you inviting next year, a yak herder?"

I cannot say with certainty that that had anything to do with the subsequent development of Yak Herder Central, but perhaps.

I think that the moral of this story might be that wherever you find the lovely Swamette, you will find the true spirit of Thanksgiving.

Give Thanks To Your Turkey

2006-11-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

About this time every year Swami is always asked the same question: "Swami, how come we always have turkey for thanksgiving dinner and we never have yak?"

Well, first, there is the long explanation: over the years we really grow to feel and treat our yaks like members of the family. Ask yourself, would you want to roast Uncle Roscoe for dinner? Actually, no, I was not speaking to you, Mr. Dahmer. And perhaps crazy old Uncle Roscoe was not a good example.

Think of it this way, it would be difficult to look Zak the Yak in the eye one day while petting his nose and then munch on his brisket the next. Perhaps you dog-lovers can imagine the trauma of seeing Bowser on his back on the serving platter with a poached kumquat in his mouth. Yeah, I thought you'd get the idea.

Then, of course there is the short explanation for why we do not serve yak for Thanksgiving: have you ever tried to baste a yak!! I thought not.

Also, this time of year it would be difficult to find fresh yak in your local supermarket. Do you think Swami is just making this up? Okay, tomorrow you go to your local grocery and ask if they still have any fresh yak in stock. Oh, yeah, and afterward don't go calling The Swami whining about needing bail money.

This Just In!!!

2006-11-20T18:54:00.000-05:00

Apparently Rupert Murdoch has canceled the O.J. book and Fox TV show. It must be due to the previous blog posting!!

No doubt.

New O. J. Book May Contain Bombshell Revelation of "Real Killer!"

2006-11-20T18:40:00.000-05:00

The new book and interview with O. J. Simpson may contain the bombshell revelation of the "real killer." O. J. Simpson has long said that after being acquitted of the murders of his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ron Goldman he would devote his life to finding the "real killer."

O. J. has always claimed that they were murdered by a deranged golf pro, and therefore devoted most of his time to searching golf courses. More recently, however, he has come to believe that they were stalked and murdered by a more sinister, more mysterious beast. (You can see what's coming already can't you?)

In recent months O. J. has concluded, and may be prepared to reveal, that the horrific crime was actually committed not by O. J. but by a pair of demented yaks who were high on weapons-grade yak milk that had been smuggled into the country by Mexican "mules" who were being paid by an Iranian dissident who was on the payroll of the Swiss navy.

Swami knows that some of you many be a little skeptical, but do not be too hasty to dismiss this explanation. If you really think about this, with a completely open , unbiased mind, you will probably realize that the above explanation is far more plausible than the conclusion reached by O. J.'s jury. That, my friends, is a fact!

Yet, there is a flaw. The yaks would be willing to take an FBI lie-detector test, O. J. is not. Plus, all known yaks are more trustworthy than O.J.

Lazy Yak Herder Caught Plagiarizing Himself

2006-11-19T18:15:00.000-05:00

All right, I confess, most of what follows was copied from a Comment post that I made on the blog of "Susan Gets Native."

I was doing fine, no need for extra meds,....UNTIL I read -llm's post about: "the retailers..." ARRRRrrrrgh..."

Some of those knuckle-headed, money-grubbing swine (am I getting carried away) put up Christmas [oops, they generally call them "holiday"] decorations in October or earlier. Yesterday Swamette and I had an "interesting" retail experience. We went into a Macy's to look for shoes for Swamette. Locally this store used to be Shillito's, which became Lazarus, which then became Macy's.

The Lovely Swamette has some difficulty finding comfortable shoes since she has somewhat WIDE feet, that I believe came directly from the old country (Calabria, Italy). Still, Swamette had often been able to find a few wide styles at Lazarus. This was apparently the first time she had looked for shoes there since the the local Lazarus was converted into a Macy's. After looking at most of the displays and finding nothing, Swamette asked a lady who worked in that department if they had any shoe styles in wide.

The saleslady said that Macy's [at least at Dayton Mall] does not carry wides, only mediums. This was a case where the person said something, but their demeanor added an entirely different, additional meaning. She seemed to be saying: We are too upscale to cater to peasants with wide feet. If you are going to shop here you should either have medium feet or have enough money to get your feet made into mediums.

You would be annoyed also if you could see how frustrating it is to Swamette when the only thing in most shoe departments that fit her feet are the empty shoe boxes. I have to admit that it is also somewhat embarrassing when we go to the grocery and Swamette has to shuffle down the aisles wearing shoe boxes, and when she runs while playing tag with the grandchildren. It is not a pretty sight.

Well, I guess that we will have to go back to getting Swamette's shoes from a blacksmith.

Have to stop now to do some deep breathing and relax.

Crack Yaks From History

2006-11-17T10:03:00.000-05:00

In Thursday's post Swami mentioned several illustrious yaks from the past. That caused me to remember some other facts I learned when studying history many years ago.

You might have, understandably but incorrectly, assumed that the yaks on the "Mayflower" were the first yaks in North America. Wrong-o, bison-breath.

Long before that, a yak from an area of Mongolia known as Huan-ka (which the yaks referred to merely as "ka") had made the first solo crossing of the Atlantic in a small boat.

Even to this day this kayak is remembered the world-over for his boating skills.

Another yak that is known to many, and is almost god-like in the eyes of oriental chefs, is Terrance D. Yak. Terrance, at a very young age, became tired of chowing down on the same old weeds week after week, month after month, year af....--you get the idea. So, for a few of his closest yak friends he began preparing much finer cuisine. Soon the yak herders were copying his recipes, as were others as far away as Japan. They did give credit to Teri (as he was known by his closest yak and yak-herder friends). You may have even had a Teri-yak type dish. Or perhaps one that his sister Suki later developed.

Finally, Swami has been asked many tim..., ah, a couple of times, ....well, actually Swami has often wondered if there are yak related medications that we should be taking. One of the most widely used yak meds is made by cooking down a couple of vats of yak fat until it is very thick. Then it is sun-dried and ground up into a fine powder.

This is not for everyone, so "Ask Your Doctor if Yak Crack is Right for You."

Patriotic Yaks

2006-11-16T13:52:00.000-05:00

Here is the photo that Blogger would not let me post last night. I'm sure you agree, it was well worth waiting for.

As you can clearly see, there is a Tree Yak that all these people are looking at. The yak is near the center of the tree about 12.7 ft up the tree. It is somewhat difficult to see since it is about three-quarters of the way into its nest.

Tree yaks are very shy which is why it is so rare to see them.

With Thanksgiving just a week away, we should pause to reflect on some of the reasons we should be giving thanks to our yaks and yaks from the past.

It is a (very) little known fact that George Washington's yak accompanied him when he crossed the Delaware on December 25. 1776. Had it not been for the help provided by his yak we might all be pledging allegiance to Prince Charles, and eating steak and kidney pie.

We also owe much to several brave yaks who helped drive the Taliban from Kabul during Operation Sleazy Weasel. Well, it looked like they were driving them since the yaks were in the cabs of the pickup trucks the Taliban were fleeing in.

Finally, a recent linguistic study of documents relating to the Pilgrims revealed a surprising "yak fact." Many of the passengers on the "Mayflower" were dyslexic. This caused several of the early chroniclers of the Pilgrim's voyage to mis-transcribe the actual name of the ship, which was Yak-flower, as Mayflower. The ship had actually been christened for a lovely female yak named "flower." Be sure to teach your children this so they will amaze (or is dumbfound a more appropriate word) their teachers.

Yak Watching Festival

2006-11-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

[Because of Flogger, er... Blogger, Swami was unable to include an image of a tree yak]

I've noticed that birders are always talking about getting together to go somewhere and watch for rare birds. Yak herders of the world, you are not forgotten! The Swami is considering organizing a yak watching tour to spot some of the rarer specimens of the yak family.

The Swami knows that there are very few yaks that nest in trees. This means that yak watchers are not as likely to get a pain in the neck as are bird watchers (and occasionally, innocent bystanders).

In order to gauge interest and reserve the necessary space for those with free-range yaks as well as for those of you with pet lap-yaks, please leave a comment letting us know whether you would attend, cannot attend, might attend and how many yaks you would be bringing.

Please let us know if your yaks have any special dietary requirements, e.g. vegetarian, kosher, diabetic. The Swami especially realizes the difficulty of providing for the dietary needs of a diabetic yak.

Attention all lawyers: we will be complying with the Disabled Yak Act which ensures the rights of all yaks including those that are dead, ...er ...metabolically challenged.

If there are any of you who may not have traveled with your yaks recently, remember that under current, more stringent rules your yak will need to have proper ID and no more than one carry-on saddle bag.

Read This, Then Go Brush & Floss

2006-11-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

The Swami had a tooth extracted today. Wow, I'm sure you're thrilled to be able to read about Swami's dental work. This will undoubtedly be the highlight of your day. [editorial note: If this is the highlight of your day, Swami suggests you seek professional help immediately].

While this was not a real treat, I must say dentistry has improved a bit since Swami was very young. Some of you may remember when you could see the little cables that ran from the motor to the drill bit when the dentist had to drill out a cavity. The young Swami's dentist had a new-fangled power drill where you could not only see the cables that turned the drill bit, but also the cables that went out the window to where a pair of oxen turned a large wheel to provide the power.

Yes, yaks would have been Swami's preference.

I am glad that I got a second opinion before having this tooth pulled. The initial opinion, from the shaman who also treats our yaks, was that my teeth were fine but the gums would have to come out. Fortunately our primary veterinarian/dentist only pulled one tooth. Swami was in luck tonight. I could not eat anything solid (this ruled out yak jerky) but there was some of Swamette's delicious chili that I was able to slowly eat. Swamette is such a good cook that only his genes prevent The Swami from weighing in at 675 lbs.

Politics & Advertising (So what is my point?)

2006-11-09T07:17:00.000-05:00

Now that the current round of elections is over, and we have a too-brief respite from the negative ads, The Swami can cut back on his meds. If only we could heavily sedate the lobbyists and advertising types.

Swami is constantly being annoyed by misleading advertisements. Just yesterday I received two packages of invisible tape I ordered for my tape dispenser. "Invisible tape" my foot, I could see both of them! How can they get away with that?

Of course, one of my "favorite?" ad/marketing maneuvers took place over a several year period with our laundry/yak detergent. The product scoop included in the box was, at least twice, increased in size. Presumably this was so that we would use more of the product, which will remain nameless, but which is made by a huge international conglomerate. It would be nice to see the tide turn so they could take a product and gamble that we could manage with the original size scoop.

One of the best examples of honest, non-exaggerated, advertising ever was a tailor's sign in Al-Khobar Saudi Arabia (about 1977):

I doubt that the we will ever have a return to modesty in advertising. We can only hope.

As the old yak herders used to say: "You can lead a blind squirrel to water, but you can't make a silk purse out of its ear."

Get Out Your Checkbooks

2006-11-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

Swami is feeling really great. Just got back from voting. It is so heartening to have such a fine selection of candidates to choose from. I also voted for several issues that will raise our taxes. I feel very good about that though, since I know that all of our tax money will be spent wisely.

NO, no, I can't go on. You can tell I've been on the fermented yak milk again can't you?
Arrrrggh. What choices.

Well, there is only one answer. The Swami and his friendly yak herders are going to form a Political Action Committee: Friends of the Yaks. We will hire the best sleazy lobbyists available to take us on junkets to Mongolia and other fun places.

All contributions should be fully tax-deductible since our goals, in addition to enjoying ourselves, would be to buy political influence by plying politicians with fermented yak milk. The results should be very beneficial to our country. Just think, if we could keep all of our elected officials half-in-the-bag on fermented yak milk, they would be able to do less damage to the country.

I can already sense a groundswell of support for Friends of the Yaks.

Recipes from Eden??

2006-11-06T20:11:00.000-05:00

Swami read and thoroughly enjoyed Julie's book. However, I must have read it too quickly because I obviously missed something.

Our trusty (and the word is used very loosely) cat Quagmire is sure that Letters From Eden is a book full of recipes for preparing birds for dinner. I think I must have skimmed over that chapter.

I really hope everyone (all three of you) enjoy this photo
because it took &%#@*^/#*&@ Blogger twenty [yes 20] minutes
and five or six attempts to upload one &#$@*&$/* photo.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I SEEM TENSE!!! WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK THAT YOU *$#@* NINNY?!?!

Swamette, please get me my meds.

The Swami's Inner Artist?

2006-11-05T10:33:00.000-05:00

The Swami has visited numerous blogs of birders and artists and has seen many very beautiful paintings. As a result I have gradually felt a rumbling inside me as my inner artist has sought to get out. [Or perhaps it was just gas].

I'm not 100% sure that I have identified the birds correctly, but I think they're right. These would be added to my life list which, including the pterodactyl and dodo, would be up to almost ten. I'm not certain that I want to be a full time wild-life artist although I'm sure you are all marveling [is that the right word] at my unbelievable artistic talent. However, I may not (please do not be too disappointed) be able to pursue my art because it would interfere with my schedule for training the yaks.

The Swami added two more life birds to his list this weekend. Below is the elusive Golden Haired Blue Bird. One of the loveliest birds, matched only by the other life bird I saw.

The second life bird of the day was the Golden Breasted Grinning Cutie Pie. The Swami understands from advanced birders that these two lovely birds are often seen in the same areas. They also often can be found near raptor haunts.

I know that many of you are probably depending upon The Swami to help you with ideas for Christmas gifts. Do not despair Swami will come to your rescue with his usual, well-thought-out suggestions.

Twas the Fifty-first Night Before Christmas....

2006-11-03T20:23:00.000-05:00

I know that there are probably a lot of people out there who are already thinking of getting their loved one a yak for Christmas.
The Swami says, "Go for it!"

Here are a few random thoughts:

If this is meant to be a very special occasion, and you are considering not just a yak but a herd, the ideal area for keeping a herd of yaks is about 80 acres.

If you are only getting the recipient one or two yaks, they can be kept on less than 80 acres. With proper training of your yak, even life in an apartment can be exciting. Very exciting.

Also, it is best if you do not use a lot of pesticides. Above all be sure that if you do use a lawn care company, or even plant fertilizer, that none of the products have any of the same ingredients as those in Yak-B-Gone. Yaks, as I'm sure you learned in school are very sensitive animals. In fact, you should never even take them to see a "chick flick" without taking along several cases of Puffs (extra soft with lotion).

If this is your first yak, it is probably worth the extra expense of an extended warranty. The extended warranty will double the standard coverage to a full two weeks. During this period you will not have to worry about your yak contracting Dutch Elm Disease or the heartbreak of mange.

Friends Don't Let Yaks Drive Drunk

2006-11-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

I recently mentioned the upcoming holidays. One of the things that I hope none of us have to be reminded of, even though I am doing so, is the danger of drinking and driving. There is also an often unrecognized danger in letting your animals drink and drive.

I can honestly say that I have NEVER given a yak alcohol and then let it drive. However, I once saw firsthand the terrible, tragic aftermath of a camel drinking and driving. (see photo)

[note the late Clyde the Camel lying in the median in the background and the empty whiskey bottle in the foreground]. This camel was absolutely NOT wearing a seatbelt.

Please do not misinterpret my post, I would never want to discourage someone from sharing a friendly quaff or two with the family's quadrupedal pet. In fact, Zak and I shared some yak milk last night. And before someone calls the authorities, Zak is over 21 in yak-years.

To Every Yak There Is A Season

2006-11-01T10:43:00.000-05:00

With colder weather approaching it was time today to take some of the yaks in for service. As I waited for Zak the Yak to be lubed and brushed, I walked around the lot at Salim's Sales & Service.

Their motto: Try a Yak and You'll Never Come Back

All yaks Triple-A rated (Aged, Arthritic, & Aromatic)
Our exclusive Yak-Back guarantee (every yak comes with a back)
Some yaks are suitable for mounting (saddles sold separately)

Also, it is never too early to begin planning for the holidays. In fact, if you are planning to have the whole family over, as we are, for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner of roast yak, you should probably place an order with your local yak shop soon.

Please do not make the mistake that we did one year and wait until it is so late that you are forced to go out at the last minute and buy a frozen yak. The cashier threw her back out trying to scan the UPC code on the yak, and to make matters worse I did not have a copy of the store's ad flyer with me and I was sure that there was a coupon for 50-cents-off frozen yak (one per customer) in that week's paper. Finally, even if you run cool water over it, it could take up to three weeks to thaw!

As we get closer to the holidays, I'll try to find and share some of the traditional recipes and holiday tips that have been passed down through the family.

A Traditional Halloween

2006-10-31T19:37:00.000-05:00

Well, another year another successful haul. As for the past several years The Swami went trick or treating leading two of his faithful yaks. Each yak had a large sack hanging from each of its horns. People always seem to give us extra portions of candy. I don't know whether it is because they think we have such convincing costumes or because they are just anxious for us to leave. They won't know what to think when they find the hoof prints in their flower beds.

Swamette stayed home and passed out treats. Swamette and I did have a few tense moments yesterday when we had a little spat over what to give the trick or treaters. I knew that Swamette had already purchased candy for the tykes. But I was concerned about their little teeth and was willing to sacrifice by eating the candy myself so it would not be wasted. But Swamette was in a very unreasonable mood and refused to see the wisdom of giving the children baggies of nice fresh spinach. [That would have had the added benefit of reducing the number of urchins, er...children returning next year].

We got home just in time to play a couple of Halloween games with some international visitors from Kentucky. One of their family favorites, Bobbing for Possum.

Yak Litter-ature

2006-10-30T14:45:00.000-05:00

Swamette & I celebrated mini-Swamette, Isabelle's, birthday Sunday. The party, company and food were very enjoyable, but as usual Isabelle and Lorelei's sweetness was so great that it caused cavities.

We had to rush back home afterwards, stopping on the way at Yaks R Us to pick up a couple of pallets of yak litter. It was Swamette's turn to change the litter today. The litter has to be changed three times a week, and it is Swamettte's turn on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Swami decided to add to the country music yak-herding genre by writing a few verses about an incident that happened a few weeks ago as Swamette and I were bringing in the herd. We will leave it to others to set this to music. [All country music, of course, is based on actual experiences]:

We were driving the yaks down the valley you see
Just Swamette, nine yaks and me

We were really a movin when we heard a roar
The rumble was as fright'nin as Swamette's snore

A yak had jack-knifed, roundin the bend
For that poor yak, it was the end

(repeat and fade out into a yak-milk induced stupor)
For that poor yak it was the end....

Although this is no doubt heart-wrenching and has probably left you in tears, just remember we now have at least a six-month supply of yak jerky.

A Night Out In Yakistan

2006-10-27T18:06:00.000-04:00

Swami was in New York on Monday and Tuesday, and could not post, or leave inane comments. I was able to brush up, pretty much, on my language skills. I'm sure most of you know that in New York taxi drivers are not allowed to speak English. Well, at least not any version of English that anyone brought up in an English-speaking country has ever heard.

In fact, Swami felt very confident after returning that he could take the lovely Swamette to dinner to celebrate his return --- and order in the local dialect. We,...er,... I chose a quaint little Yakistani bistro just down the valley from where we winter the yak herd. They have a very good selection of vintage fermented yak milk and we wanted to dine on their Thursday special: Three-Cheese Weasel.

I felt confident enough after my taxi-tested Yakistani language refresher that I complimented the owner on the appetizer he prepared: a yak fat smoothie. Unfortunately, Swami forgot the distrimulative case that is used with the dialect spoken in this 17 hectare area of Yakistan.

Instead of saying, "The yak fat is exquisite,"
my comment translated as:
"This tastes exactly like week-old bloated hyena, and your wife looks like she was traded for a herd of rabid camels in an unregulated bazaar."

After a somewhat hasty departure, Swamette fixed us a traditional home cooked meal of stuffed camel. If you would like the recipe, which Swamette whips up frequently, it is here.

Blazing Yak Saddles

2006-10-25T18:40:00.000-04:00

The Swami was considering putting in his "two-cents worth" on Julie's blog earlier today when he learned of an unexpected connection between Mongolia and The movie Blazing Saddles. In the movie which is a favorite of mine, one of the characters is Mongo, played by Alex Karras. When checking to see the exchange rate for "two-cents" into the Mongolian currency, I found the following in Wikipedia:

The tugrug ("төгрөг" in Mongolian) (MNT, Tugrik, ₮) is the official currency of Mongolia. It was historically subdivided into 100 mongo. Any country with a currency called the mongo gets bonus points. (even if the currency is no longer used for anything except souvenirs).

The Swami does not usually give "hot tips," but when there is an opportunity to get in on an emerging fad right at the outset, there seems to be an obligation to let people know so they can get in on the ground floor. Based upon recent news stories Swami is looking for partners to open an exclusive shop on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. The new shop, Bi-pedal Pets, would sell Afican infants to Hollywood stars. They would come with complete instructions for the nannies, who would actually be taking care of the child, er.... bi-ped.

It should be comforting to my readers to know that I am seeking treatment for a severe case of cynicism.

Nut Cases & Nuthatches

2006-10-20T07:42:00.000-04:00

After considerable thought, it is obvious to The Swami that there are not enough sources of 24/7 news available. This is the result of long and logical thinking while imbibing fermented yak milk. Specifically, there are not enough unbalanced sources of information, so where better to get your unbalanced news than Yak Herder Central?

Why go to one of the networks or The Drudge Report and be overloaded with stories when you can concentrate on just a couple of tidbits or even occasionally, like today, a groundbreaking scoop.

Drawing on our nutwork, uh, network of confidential sources we have discovered the explosive revelation that Reprentative Mark Foley had a long-running cybersexual relationship with North Korean Madman [that is his complete, official, title] Kim Jong Il. It was apparently in the middle of one of those interactions that Kim fell off of his chair and accidentally hit his nuclear button.

Staying with news from North Korea, bird lovers will be interested to know that there have been sightings of several pairs of nesting Eurasian nuthatches living in Kim Jong Il's hair.

According to a search of our records, as well as a strip-search of Swamette, this is the first recorded instance of a nuthatch nesting on a nutcase.

World Peace & The Plain Dealer

2006-10-19T09:12:00.000-04:00

Don't worry the logic of the title escapes me too.

In view of the constant stream of disconcerting news from North Korea, Iran and West Virginia, it seemed like the appropriate time for Yak Herder Central to do its small part to make the world a safer place. We are in the process of contacting Secretary of State Condo-lease Rice. No, not to lease a condo, but to advise her that we are voluntarily agreeing to sign a yak non-proliferation treaty.

We have done this because our research has led us to to the conclusion that, even as recently as last night, some of our readers were having sleepless nights worrying about countries such as North Korea getting ahold of yak delivery systems. You can now sleep soundly knowing that The Swami has done his part to make the world a wack...., er, safer place.

We will soon be investigating how to protect your communication devices from a self-confessed serial phone murderer. [Please do not confuse this with the "cereal phone murderer" who is believed to be either Snap, Krackle, or Pop].

And now for a public service announcement/link: Julie Zickefoose's book reviewed in the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Support Your Local Mom & Pop Yak Milk Shop

2006-10-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING *** PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING

In looking at some of the responses to my Tuesday post about Country music, I have become very alarmed. Based upon the comments of several readers that they are doing Google searches for "songs about yaks," I believe that these readers must have gotten a bad vat of yak milk. That can cause bizarre behavior [OK, let's not make any gratuitous comments about The Swami]

Be sure that you are obtaining your yak milk directly from your own yak or from a reputable local market or a national yak milk specialty shop. Be wary of the big-box yak milk retailers as there are concerns that their yak milk may be coming from sweatshops in the Himalayas [attention readers: It would be the milkers, not the yaks, that are sweating. A loyal reader pointed out that yaks apparently do not have sweat glands].

Such information is the reason that soon you will probably be able to qualify for a college degree just by reading this blog. We are planning on waiving a portion of the normal tuition for such degrees.. We want anyone with the ability to take out a six-figure home equity loan to be able to get a degree in yak herding.

We Need More Country Music About Yaks

2006-10-17T09:07:00.000-04:00

The Swami got to thinkin' today. Ok, two points of note: Yes, The Swami often refers to himself in the third person. Well, get over it! If it's good enough for Bob Dole it is good enough for "The Swami." Besides, in a few years The Swami may need to be getting some medical advice from Bob Dole.
Secondly, yes, occasionally thinking does take place.

The Swami was wonderin' why thar t'aint more country songs 'bout yaks. It's a real wonderment.
Swami seems to remember just a few lines of a country song by Swami Bubba that I heard on the wood-burning Victrola as a child:

"The yaks they were a feedin, an' things were goin' fine
'til my turban got twisted 'round the windmills of my mind"

We all loved that song, but we had to play it very softly, lest the yaks stampede. Well, I'm sure that this has brought back a lot of memories for all of you too.

Just be sure to keep singing those words over and over and over, so that you too can pass them down for many generations to come.

Taking Umbrage to New Heights

2006-10-16T12:19:00.000-04:00

More proof that animals are much smarter than we normally assume. I saw a headline today, "Buffalo still fixing powerlines after snow blast." Well, as any true yak herder knows, a yak is far more intelligent than a buffalo. Just ask one. A yak herder, not a buffalo, you ninny! Yaks, as most people realize, are probably the smartest house pets you can have. The Swami would take umbrage with anyone saying otherwise ---- except that my yaks have cleared the nearby meadows of the last umbrage to be found, save for the umbrage provided by my turban.

So with winter almost upon us, it is time to teach your yak how to restore power in the event of an outage.

We would highly recommend that you not spend a lot of time teaching your yak how to read wiring diagrams until after you have finished teaching him how to climb an electric utility pole. Also, The Swami would appreciate it if you would contact him immediately after your yak has mastered pole climbing so that I can watch for the two of you on the Letterman Show.

Mange on the Range

2006-10-14T17:11:00.000-04:00

We had an urgent request to provide our faithful followers with information about "the heartbreak of mange." The Swami and various members of his family have, at various times, felt mangy. However, if your yaks appear to have mange you need to act quickly. Actually, you probably need to act quickly just if you have "yaks appear."

While mange might be caused by mites, mites might not mean mange. Sarcoptic mange if not treated properly could lead to you having to make a sarcophagus. Trust The Management & Staff at Yak Herder Central, you do not want to have to build a sarcophagus for a yak.

At the first sign your yak has mange, you need to take drastic action. Harsh as it may seem, you will need to temporarily move your yaks outside. Burn all of the bedding that the yaks may have slept on.*

As soon as you yaks are back to their healthy, lovable selves, you can bring them back inside and resume your normal training routines.

*Based upon the experience of a number of yak herders, we would also suggest that you might want to take the bedding outside BEFORE burning it.

And the Money Just Kept On Rolling In

2006-10-13T11:06:00.000-04:00

Lacking a guitar, a sense of rhythm and the ability to carry a tune, The Swami has forsaken the three-stringed Mongolian Shadaz for the XM-Ra-dio which I have almost mastered. Until gaining sufficient proficiency to go on tour, however, The Swami is looking at a number of ways to pay the expenses for keeping his yaks properly groomed.

If you would like to sign up for any of these opportunities, or would just like to send Swami a very large check, please let me know. These are some of my current ideas.

Franchises:
Door-to-Door Yak Sales & Service
Turban Rewind Shops
Drive-thru Yak Grooming & Detailing
Yak Rent-to-Own (Swami must editorialize here: rent-to-own shops are an unconscionable blight on society, preying on those least able to afford them. However, it is The Swami's firm belief that anyone wanting to rent a yak must have more money than they know what to do with)

Since Swami's parents are both deceased, Swami is an orphan and therefor may consider being adopted. Please forward your financial statements and a good-faith deposit of $6,835,947.18 so you may be considered as adoptive parents. [The receipt and clearing of your check will probably be sufficient indication that you are wacky enough to qualify].

A Semantical Nightmare on a Bad Day

2006-10-12T19:41:00.000-04:00

I was going to title this ''A More Unfortunate Misunderstanding," but if the previous post was "...Most Unfortunate..." how can you have more than most? Mostest?

My head hurts. And no, my turban is not too tight.

Why was this a bad day you ask? Of course, you did. Well, it is the fault of Janet's Wednesday Oct 11, post on Julie Zickefoose's blog. Janet not only told Julie to avoid The Swami's yak milk tummy cure, but she questioned whether the Swami had ever had yak milk.

Well, because of the temerity of that question Swami not only ended up battered and bruised but I spent nearly two hours at the constable's office explaining why I was inside a compound at the zoo trying to milk a yak. It was a most embarrassing experience.

Finally, a few words of advice. Never try to single-handedly hook up a yak to a wood-burning milking machine.

A Most Unfortunate Misunderstanding

2006-10-10T12:15:00.000-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that there has been a serious misunderstanding concerning Yak Herder Central.

My deepest apoplexy, er...apology to the numerous visitors who have apparently been spending a great deal of time at Yak Herder Central under the mistaken assumption that the time spend reading and studying this blog would qualify them for continuing education credits in yak herding.

While there is NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that reading this blog is far more enlightening than some actual continuing education courses, we regret that we have not ---- as yet --- filed the necessary paperwork to qualify for continuing education credits. But, hey, who knows. We are considering self-accreditation.

P.S. Also, we would like to say how sorry we are to the three people we pressed charges against after we learned that you were attempting to matriculate on our website. We did not have our glasses on at the time and we misread some of the words. We are sure that given enough time you too will see the humor in the situation.

The Harsh Truth About Boston Terriers

2006-10-09T14:32:00.000-04:00

Okay. I've listened to many blithering bloggers bragging about Bostons. And while The Swami can blither with the best of them, we need a dose of reality.

I'm sure that it is fun to watch your terrier running in circles, but don't you often ask yourselves, "Is this really a trait that will enable my dog to herd yaks?" Of course, you look for other "endearing" traits to justify you feeling for pooch. You think of the warm slobbery licks to you face from your little Boston terrier. Well, if you like those licks you'll love getting licked by your very own herd of yaks. University studies have measured yak drool at up to 65 gpm.

Most of you who have read this far are probably already wondering how much of a trade-in would a reputable yak dealer give for my Boston terrier. Well, on the wild chance that there could still be someone that is not ready to trade in their Boston terrier for a Mongolian yak, just how much fermented yak milk does your little terrier give you?! Case closed.

Let's face it, folks. Your Boston terrier, no matter how much love you give it, will NEVER be a yak!!

Beauty on the Eve of Apprehension

2006-10-07T22:15:00.000-04:00

It was a beautiful autumn day in southwestern Ohio. The clear sky, the mild breeze, just the kind of weather to bring the yaks down into the valleys for their winter pasture, if only we were in Mongolia. Fortunately, were able to take The Girls to an amusement park instead of yakking.

Tomorrow Swamette's mother is making spaghetti sauce and meatballs for dinner for 14 at our house. This requires a bit of background. Swamette's father's family was 100% German, her mother's family was 100% Italian. Anyone who knows Swamette understands that her heritage has resulted in her being 95% Italian. I am probably belaboring the obvious. Since Swamette ends in a vowel, of course, she must be Italian.

Oh yes, the apprehension.

The spaghetti and meatballs are fabulous. People come from miles around. Hey, you think all 14 of these people live in the same yak herders yurt! Over the years Swami has endeavored to eat spaghetti properly, spinning it on his fork. He has gotten pr-e-t-t-ty good at it. Until last spring. Suddenly, as The Swami's fork was reaching about 3500 rpm, the end of Swami's turban caught in the fork. Swami's neck was wrenched as he was thrown over the table and into the next room. By a stroke of good fortune the surgeon's were able to form the cast to resemble a turban.

Not to fear, The Swami is all better now. No, really, I am --- but they do want the meds to continue.

The Swami Answers His Mail

2006-10-05T19:31:00.000-04:00

A loyal fan of The Swami [Mary in NC] asked how he deleted a comment on someone else's [Julie's] blog.

Obviously, even some of The Swami's fans are not aware of the unimaginable powers of The Swami (nor that Blogger allows one to delete one's own comments as long as you are logged into your Blogger account; not that Swami would need to do it that way).

Swami highly recommends getting a blog of your own. As The Swamette can attest, it has been a long time since The Swami has found a more effective way to wast....ah,..er, while away the hours.

The Swami had second thoughts about another fowl comment he had put on Julie's blog. Certainly, it was not that The Swami chickened out .....Oh STOP, bad Swami, bad Swami!!

Second thoughts during dinner

2006-10-04T18:28:00.000-04:00

After listening to Julie Zickefoose's NPR commentary and, especially after a couple of the comments on her Oct 3 Big Sit, NPR post, I had to stop on the way home for a bucket of chicken. Mmm, Mmmm, Good.

Tomorrow, me may eat cow.

Swamette, was happy that I stopped to get us a tasty meal on the way home. Unfortunately, as I sat at our table eating I started thinking about some of the things I had read when I went to some of the sites referred to on Julie's blog. Suddenly the food I was eating did not taste quite as good. I looked at it and tried to picture it before it was "processed" for us to eat.

Then, I almost screamed at the maniacs who had so unnecessarily murdered the green beans and potatoes I had been eating. Wheeew, then I took a deep breath and finished off my dinner.

I feel much better now.

The Dark Side of Birding

2006-10-02T19:57:00.000-04:00

I am shocked, shocked I say. [well, that's better
than..."dark and stormy night."] As I mentioned
in a previous post, I was beginning to read Julie's
Letters from Eden. Little did I realize that I was
about to see the dark side of birding.

Within the first seven pages I read that on Julie's
daily walks she just happened to find dead bodies....

Birding --- and dead bodies? The Swami believes
that he may swoon. The Swami's wife [known
affectionately as The Swamette] was preparing to
fan him with a catalog when up on the rooftop what
should appear... oops, wrong thing appeared. Whatever
appeared, The Swamette said, "LOOK, LOOK."

"WHAT, WHAT," I replied. [there's an echo in
the Swami's cave] . The Swamette had spotted Julie
Zickefoose's name on two items in the Summer
2006 National Wildlife catalog. (see photo below)

So, is Julie trying to conceal these items from her fans.
Me thinks (occasionally) that perhaps she only wanted
her immediate family to be snappily dressed.

The Swami takes solace only in that the sweaters
were not embroidered with half a possum.

And as Pervez Musharraf might say: If you
don't get the previous sentence, buy Julie's book!

Yak Mail

2006-09-30T19:56:00.000-04:00

I had a terrible fright earlier today. I feared that some calamity had befallen my friend the Yak Herder, when I saw a man in uniform leading what looked like one of his yaks up to my door.

All was well. It was the Yak Post delivering my copy of Letters from Eden. So if I fail to post for a while it is because I am engrossed.

Ok guys, I'm not taking the rap for this alone.
My accomplice, Susan, showed me how to upload
photos --- saving me much time and, no doubt,
contributing to future foolishness.

Border Line Mystery

2006-09-29T22:14:00.000-04:00

The Swami is truly mystified. Earlier this evening the Swami visited a Borders bookstore in a suburb of Cincinnati. Three copies of Letters from Eden were face out on the new non-fiction wall display section. Upon leaving the store a little later, The Swami noticed that one of the copies had magically appeared, "faced" on the new book table just inside the front door.

Most curious.

The Swami was pleased for Julie, but most distressed that he was unable to find Housebreaking Your Yak.

The Yak Herder Has Arrived

2006-09-27T19:25:00.000-04:00

The first words of wisdom to be posted here are recommendations for all of my faithful readers (those of you who have been checking this blog daily since it was created in October of 2004) to check out the following blogs:

http://susankwilliams.blogspot.com/
http://geoffreywilliams.blogspot.com/
http://www.juliezickefoose.com/blog/index.php
http://www.lifehacker.com/
http://www.metafilter.com/

Now, within the next two years I'll try to post links in a sidebar. I'll ask my daughter-in-law Susan to help me. First she will have to recover from the shock of discovering that I actually had a blog (at least registered) a full YEAR before she did!!

Original Post Oct 4, 2004

2004-10-15T01:00:00.000-04:00

After extensive research I have determined that this site may become the font of all wisdom...well, maybe an occasional nugget of quasi-wisdom. As such you should visit this site at least one a week in order to see if the patients have taken over the asylum.