Thanksgiving Tips: In Case the Butterball Hotline is Busy.

Yes, Folks, just in time for Thanksgiving, The Swami is here with tips on how to make the holiday a success.

Most importantly, Zak the Yak wanted me to remind everyone that you should NOT try to deep-fry a yak. Frankly, Swami would not even recommend deep frying a turkey. If you must, however, at this time of year Swami would probably use 10W 40, as opposed to WD-40, but everyone to his own taste.

It's been quite a while since Swami has prepared a Thanksgiving dinner. It seems like at least a year. So he'll try to remember, as best he can, the most important steps. (Swami, who has come to admire Bob Dole, often refers to himself in the third person). This may have begun once after Swami had some overly-fermented yak milk, looked in the mirror, and actually saw a second and a third person.

Once you get the turkey in the oven, set the temperature to about 273 degrees. Any higher and the feathers might catch fire. Prior to putting the bird in the oven you should have put all of the side dishes into the bird, this simplifies the cooking process and keeps one from having so many pots and pans to wash.

Swami knows from watching the late Julia Child that it is necessary to open the oven several times to "paste the bird." Swami knows that Julia probably made her own, but Swami uses the ever popular Elmer's to paste the bird.

Shortly before the bird is done (which is usually 2-5 hours after it stops flapping its wings) prepare some gravy using the drippings from the bottom of the oven, or the pan, if you used one. Swami collects the dripping using his Sears wet & dry vac. Add the drippings to a large pot. You will also need 5 lbs of flour, a bottle of Worcestershire sauce, salt, and a bottle of cooking wine. Slowly stir in the flour, add a 1/2 teaspoon of salt and one bottle of Worcestershire. Then, as the mixture slowly simmers, drink the wine. That way the whole meal will seem much better.

Swami hopes you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving. And get to McDonald's early, before the rush from Swami's yurt.