Taking a Bite Out of Country Music

Sitting in a dentist’s office listening to country music. I think I finally figured out why dentist’s offices seem to always play country music. The visit to the dentist seems less daunting when it just seems like part of a natural progression from losing his wife, his house, his car, his dog and now his teeth!

Will Trump Reunite...?

It has been brought to the Swami's attention that his attention to his blog has been less than optimal. But in my defense, it has also been less than three years since my last post. Perhaps more far importantly, The Swami has been heavily medicated since Jan. 20, 2017.

The Swami has, at least briefly, come out of his stupor his retirement to urge those seeking to reunite parents with their ICE-abducted children to take on a far more difficult task after they complete this job.  Use DNA and any other method to try and find the conscience which Donald Trump has never met.  Perhaps they were given up for adoption at birth or perhaps on his home planet such things were unknown.

The Swami and his trusted friend, Zak the Yak, would like to see a national campaign on milk cartons asking: Have You Seen Donald Trump's Conscience?

How to Put Some Teeth in Your Marketing

Marketing for Dummies Total Nitwits

In case you have been checking Yak Herder Central on a daily basis, you may have noticed that it has been exactly two years since my last post.  The Swami might have deigned to post sooner, but there did not seem to be a ground-swell of swell grounds for him doing so. At one point several months ago Swami did consider entering the Republican primary (it was at a point when it appeared that perhaps everyone but the Swami might enter the race). It was also at a point when it seemed that even Zak the Yak might be more qualified than several of the entrants; this could still be the case

 

However, today's post was necessitated by an example of direct mail marketing that cried out for help. Today, class, we will study an example of what you might want to avoid when you launch your next, or first, marketing campaign.  Recently my older son received a post card from his dentist reminding him to call for an appointment. I often appreciate such a reminder since my teeth date from a time before there was fluoride in the water.  Actually, they may date to a time only shortly after the invention of water.

 

There were a couple of quite minor errors in the mailing to my son.  First, it came to our home address.  Pshaw, you say: a minor mistake.  True, he did live at this address until a mere 23 years ago,  before he moved to Los Angeles for five years.  There was another little quirk to the mailing: it had been about 18 years since his last visit to this particular dental practice ( I'm sorry but I'm still one of those people who find it a bit off-putting having my medical needs handled by someone who is just "practicing."

 

Finally, what added the "nit" to whatever wit the dentist's marketing person had: the dentist was in Sherman Oaks California and the addressee was located over 2,100 miles away in Ohio.  And please, don't blame this on the computer system; the address was handwritten!

Apple to the Rescue, Yak not quite

Apple's next generation iPhones will go on sale later this month.  This is occurring  just in the nick of time since Swami's early, first-generation wood burning model is on its last legs. Swami had hoped to await the introduction of the 11th generation iPhone in 2018, since usually reliable sources report that it will include a juicer, coffee grinder, and a weedwacker.  Swami is currently seeking a volunteer to arrive at the local Apple store to save me a place in line. The last time Swami fastened his yak's harness to the front of the store several days before the iPhones went on sale but ran into some unfortunate difficulties with the local constabulary and the health department. Most distressing.

I'm sure that if someone had merely visited a nearby hardware store they could have remedied any unpleasantness with the purchase of a few shovels and a 55 gallon drum of Febreze.

Swami, Where Art Thou?

If you are a faithful follower of The Swami here at Yak Herder Central, and have been checking daily for updates, you may have noticed that it has been almost four years since my last post.  If you had not noticed, and had been checking daily, seek immediate therapy.  No, Swami has neither been in the witness protection program, nor has he been heavily sedated.  He actually has been writing an almost daily post, however, it was not until recently that the ever-alert Swami noticed that his computer was unplugged and the posts were not being published.
Swami actually has hopes of resuming a somewhat more regular schedule prior to the end of the year.

It is with a feeling of great guilt that I admit that I did not take time to provide guidance to our legislators in Washington.  I know that Swami's words of wisdom would have guided them along a more productive path.  In fact, listening to the ravings of a madman might have been more productive.  Oh wait, I guess that is what they were doing!

Meanwhile, based on Swami's inside sources in Washington, Ted Cruz is getting very excited.  He is close to winning a pallet of beef jerky based on a freindly wager with Mitt Romney that Ted could not get the Republicans' approval rating into single digits.  Stay tuned, February is just around the corner, and Ted is salivating...or is that foaming at the mouth?

Commando: Eliminating the risk of Underwear Bombs

Swami is disseminating the following info on behalf of the Transportation Security Administration:

1. In the wake of the unhinged "Underwear Bomber" (also known as the "Fruit-of-the-Boom" crotch-bomber) on Christmas Day, the TSA is mandating that all passengers who have not gone through a full-body scan must fly without pants.

2. Also, to ensure that substandard explosives are not brought aboard planes,  each terrorist will have to produce a TSA certificate showing that he has visited a US military testing ground and detonated the actual batch in his underwear. The TSA hopes that this will not make him less appealing to the 72 sturgeons or 72-year-old virgins or whatever await him down below.

Meanwhile, Congress has the conundrum of implementing stringent airport security without inconveniencing themselves or Washington's infestation of lobbyists.  Until such time [insert color photo of infinity here], Swami is implementing his own security measures. 

Most notably, whenever his lovely wife, Swamette or someone claiming to be Swamette, enters the room, Swami does a full-body patdown.  One can never be too careful.

THIS JUST IN: Until further notice no underwear can be worn aboard any flight.  Don't you feel safer already?

When Times Get Tough, Turn to The Swami

Due to inflation and the uncertain economy, The Swami feels compelled to provide his usual, helpful, advice to those who are less fortunate. Since Swami is married to the young and lovely Swamette, everyone is less fortunate.

One of the ways to economize is to move somewhat further down the gourmet scale when dining out. If your budget no longer lets you eat at fine-dining establishments such as White Castle or Jack-in-the-Box, there are a number of helpful guidelines when choosing an unfamiliar restaurant.

Things to be Wary of When Dining Out:

• Chef's hobby is raising cadaver dogs
• Kitchen appears decorated with crime-scene tape
• Majority of diners slumped over tables
• Special-of-the-Day: Porcupine on a Stick
• Waiter uses gasoline to flambe dessert
• Wine list includes Ripple
• Poison Control Center on speed-dial
• Accepts only the Nigerian Express Card
• Condiments include Raid

Obviously the biggest reason to avoid a restaurant is: they do not serve yak milk.

For those of you seeking somewhat more conventional budget, financial and general interest information, you might try: http://www.walletpop.com
where my oldest son, Geoff, among others, writes several articles a day.

Thanksgiving Tips: In Case the Butterball Hotline is Busy.

Yes, Folks, just in time for Thanksgiving, The Swami is here with tips on how to make the holiday a success.

Most importantly, Zak the Yak wanted me to remind everyone that you should NOT try to deep-fry a yak. Frankly, Swami would not even recommend deep frying a turkey. If you must, however, at this time of year Swami would probably use 10W 40, as opposed to WD-40, but everyone to his own taste.

It's been quite a while since Swami has prepared a Thanksgiving dinner. It seems like at least a year. So he'll try to remember, as best he can, the most important steps. (Swami, who has come to admire Bob Dole, often refers to himself in the third person). This may have begun once after Swami had some overly-fermented yak milk, looked in the mirror, and actually saw a second and a third person.

Once you get the turkey in the oven, set the temperature to about 273 degrees. Any higher and the feathers might catch fire. Prior to putting the bird in the oven you should have put all of the side dishes into the bird, this simplifies the cooking process and keeps one from having so many pots and pans to wash.

Swami knows from watching the late Julia Child that it is necessary to open the oven several times to "paste the bird." Swami knows that Julia probably made her own, but Swami uses the ever popular Elmer's to paste the bird.

Shortly before the bird is done (which is usually 2-5 hours after it stops flapping its wings) prepare some gravy using the drippings from the bottom of the oven, or the pan, if you used one. Swami collects the dripping using his Sears wet & dry vac. Add the drippings to a large pot. You will also need 5 lbs of flour, a bottle of Worcestershire sauce, salt, and a bottle of cooking wine. Slowly stir in the flour, add a 1/2 teaspoon of salt and one bottle of Worcestershire. Then, as the mixture slowly simmers, drink the wine. That way the whole meal will seem much better.

Swami hopes you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving. And get to McDonald's early, before the rush from Swami's yurt.

Al Gore & The Presidential Candidates Can Save the Earth

If Al Gore and the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates truly want to help the environment they would take the one, obvious, action that could save millions of barrels of oil per year and substantially reduce the pollution caused by excessive and unnecessary driving.

They should use all of their campaign funds to buy, and then give to every family in the U.S., a copy of Geoff Williams' book: C.C. Pyle's Amazing Foot Race: The True Story of the 1928 Coast-to-Coast Run Across America.

After three hundred million people read about the grueling 3423 mile foot race across the U.S., tens or even hundreds of thousands of people will think nothing of walking to the nearby grocery or running to work instead of using the family car.

Just think, buying Geoff's work is one of the most patriotic things you can do. Gee, they should have released his book on July 4th!!

Random Blitherings

The Swami will share Eight Random Facts.

1. At the age of four Swami was given a set of solid wood building blocks which he still has. This is particularly noteworthy because it took place only a few months after the Italian genius, Alberto Lumberdini, had invented wood.

2. The pregnant Swamette and The Swami spent the Woodstock summer of 1969 traveling throughout western Europe with a rented Renault and a pup tent.

3. Swami might have been a professional singer and dancer. If he had any sense of rhythm and could carry a tune.

4. Swami, slowly, became aware that blogging took more time than he had available.

5. Swami once awakened from a drug-induced stupor to gaze at a vision of loveliness (well, to be more precise: Swami awoke from an emergency appendectomy to see a beautiful student nurse, who would one day be the Swamette).

6. Swami has two sons who each have books available on Amazon.com

7. I can hardly wait to finish this.

8. Swami is too merciful to inflict this upon anyone else. Well, perhaps Zak the Yak.

9. Bonus Point: It is Swami's bedtime.

By Jove, Clive. It Was A Jolly Good Time.

The Swami has returned! Swami was afraid that if he did not post soon, some of his alert readers might notice that he had not posted in almost four weeks. Also, it seems, from her last comment on my March 16 post, Susan needs some warped humor. Far be it from The Swami to leave his DIL in a pickle.

If only Swami can get his Warp up to speed.

Swami and The Lovely Swamette just returned from a 40th Anniversary trip to England. Swami did not want to mention this in advance since it appears from their posting patterns that many of his readers may be out on work-release programs. And, as we all know, the recidivism rate among bloggers is several times that of the general population.



















As you can see above, Swami dressed in mufti since the turban does cause a few problems. In fact, Swami usually has to get to the airport at least nine hours early to allow for the extra security. There seems to be a concern that Swami's turban might be concealing a shoe-bomb or a tactical nuclear weapon.

The first two photos are of Arundel Castle, home of The Duke of York. Our common ancestor, The Third Earl of Arundel, was Swami's great-grandfather (with 21 greats). Swami feels that he should be the rightful heir to the castle [Forget about the other one million plus descendants].



















There were many beautiful things to see, but as you can tell from the photo below, from York, building maintenance is occasionally lacking.











Swami was pleasantly surprised to find that some of the people there speak a language somewhat similar to ours. Also, the difficulty in driving there is way overblown. Swami found that he was able to drive on the same side of the road as in the U.S. All you have to do is drive in reverse!

Swami will try to blog a bit more about England as he has time. And when it doesn't take five minutes per photo for Flogger to upload them.

Drive On, Swamette!!

Anyone who has read many of The Swami's posts, knows that Swamette drives Swami crazy. In the best sense of the words.

Swamette, it has been noted by some, associates a lot with a known bird-brain. It is definitely true that Swamette has always loved and fed the birds. And, over the past year or two, she has become even more interested in our fine feathered friends. It brings back memories of the first time Swami encountered a Pterodactyl, with her delicate brow feathers, outside his cave. Well, that's another story.

Swami has long thought that The Lovely Swamette deserved unique transportation befitting her exalted station. Swami's first idea was for something stylish, yet understated. Something along the lines of a more feminine version of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. She did not go for that idea. Probably because it would not fit in the garage.

Swami then suggested a tasteful Swamette pennant that could fly from a flag holder on the front bumper of her car. Swamette, ever-particular, said no.

Well, folks, there was only one solution:

Fight Exorbitant Oil Profits; There is an Alternative.

The Swami has enjoyed the warmer weather the last few days. It sort of reminds him of the warm spell in the spring of 22,754 B.Z. (Obviously even the unschooled realize that that refers to the period Before Zak the yak); naturally, there are the politically correct fanatics who refer to that period as BZE (Before the Zakian Era).

As the price of gas has crept back up, Swami has once again become concerned about the cost of transportation. Logically*, Swami knows that there must eventually be something to replace the infernal combustion engine. We logically* know that our grandchildren, and perhaps our children, will one day have to find an alternative means of travel.

Swami, despite being a financial adviser, has refrained from making investment recommendations on his blog. Now, however, Swami feels that he would be remiss if he did not suggest that at least a portion of everyone's portfolio be invested to profit from the transportation of the future. So just remember that you can be earning dividends even as your grandchildren and their children ride to work and school ... on their yaks.

What were you expecting: turban-powered taxis?? Actually, I believe that they have those already in New York City.

*Excuse me, folks; if you are looking for logic, you have come to the wrong place.

What's In A Name?

Anyone who knows The Swami knows that Swami thinks that nicknames are silly. That is, except when they are meaningful which, of course, all of the ones used by Swami are.

This is noteworthy since today, Lewis Libby, an assistant to the Vice President of the United States was convicted on four counts of being an adult with a ridiculous nickname : Scooter. Ladies and Gentlemen, it should be of utmost concern to all citizens when the advisers and highest elected officials in the nation are people with names like Scooter, Moonbeam and The Decider.

The Swami-client relationship, which is a sacred one, prohibits The Swami from disclosing the extensive list of actual nicknames [all meaningful] that apply to Swamette. Most of these nicknames are even suitable for mixed company.

Swami realized many years (decades? Millennia?) ago that there were no words to convey the sweetness of Swamette. Hey, you try to find a word that means: The Sweetness of Swamette!

Swami has checked everything from the Oxford English Dictionary to early texts in Cuneiform and Sanskrit to find a word that translates as: World's Sweetest Human Being. Thus, Swami has had to create his own words. I would expound upon this subject even more, but it is way past time to chase Swamette through the meadow.

Harry Potter: The Saga Continues

Swami was checking to see the ranking of his older son, Geoff's book on Amazon. [Kevin's book will not be out until 2008, so it is not yet available for pre-sale]. Geoff's book (C.C. Pyle's Amazing Foot Race: The True Story of the 1928 Coast-to-Coast Run Across America) is coming out July 10, and has been ranked as high as about 38,000. Inexplicably, another book, that does not come out until July 21, (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) is ranked #2 on Amazon. Go figure.

The Swami believes that it is possible that the ranking of Harry Potter is due in part to what may be the hype that this is the "final" book in the Potter series. Swami's unique sources have led him to believe that there may, in fact, be more books in the series, and that they are already in the planning stages.

Yes folks, within a couple of years you may be reading the 8th and 9th books in the series. Thats right, Harry Potter and the Weasel of Doom, followed by the long-awaited Harry Potter and the 80 Acres of Yaks. The latter book takes place in a veritable Eden and has a sub-plot wherein Harry attempts to train a Boston Terrier to herd yaks as he (Harry, you ninnies, not the Boston) continues to battle the forces of evil.

The actual "final" tome may be book ten, which follows a crotchety Harry as he becomes a door-to-door salesman in a British nudist colony. Rumor has it that Harry may already be in training for this job.

Meanwhile The Swami must round up the herd and head for the hills.

The Cable Guy & Zak the Yak

Swami spent the day trying to get his cable TV connection fixed. Oh sure you are probably thinking that The Swami's cable connection succumbed to the snow and ice. Oh no, nothing that simple. Our cable box has apparently been hacked by some computer maniac.

For the past week or more our local channels have been replaced by The Snow Terror Channel and The White Doom Breaking News Report. Then a couple of days ago when we finally gave up on the local channels and decided to switch to CNN, it was replaced by The All Anna Nicole Smith All-the Time Channel. Well, at least Swamette and I thought that it couldn't get any worse.

Well, Wrong-o again, Baldini. Today CNN switched to All Anna Nicole & All Britney All-the-Time.

Swami is going to turn off the TV and go back out and feed the yaks. Zak and the yaks seem to exhibit much more class and intelligence than most of the celebrities on TV.

Going To The Dogs With 425 Horsepower

As Swami was beginning to blog he glanced over his shoulder at his wood-burning flat panel TV and saw the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. They were showing a clip of last year's winner, a bull terrier named Rufus, which has to be one of the ugliest dogs there is. Swami would post a link to his photo, but he does not want to take the time to find a photo nor does he want to do five to ten for copyright infringement.

As The Swami has often mentioned, The Lovely Swamette is wonderful and wise. However, there are times when she has been able to influence Swami to make an unwise decision. Such was the case several years ago when Swamette in her wisdom convinced The Swami that he should take advantage of a late summer sale on snowblowers.

Today we had about 4-5 inches of snow topped with a hard crust of about 1-2 inches of mixed snow and ice. After getting home without too much trouble, Swami ate a delicious dinner and then went out to clear the driveway (which had also been driven over by several cars by that time).

Forty-five minutes later when Swami dragged himself back into his abode, he knew for sure that he should have bought the snowblower that was his first choice: The one with the Hemi.

An Over-heated Turban?

Swami is beginning to wonder why he bothered to get the road salt washed off of the yaks today. The local weather men, those perennial prophets of DOOM, are forecasting snow that may equal or exceed the 17" we received on Dec 24, 2004. Other online weather sites say an inch or two. Just to be safe, the weathermen are recommending panic.

Swami noticed that yesterday Susan mentioned that the heater in one of their cars had not been working, but that she fixed it and it was really putting out "HOT HEAT." That is really a coincidence. Just today Swami noticed that the heat in his vehicle had gotten really hot. At first The Swami thought he must have bumped the heater control, but then he realized that the auxiliary heater in his turban had shorted out. Fortunately, there was no serious damage to the turban, al though several nearby buildings nearly burned down. Swami believes that it is possible that his turban may have overheated while he was in deep thought over the term "hot heat." Swami, personally, has not encountered any other type of heat.

The near-zero degree weather the past week or so has forced The Swami to have to go out and top off the yaks' anti-freeze a couple of times. At least it is a little more convenient to do so now that it's possible to keep the boxes of anti-freeze chilled in the fridge.

Does Snow Bring Out The Flakes?

The weather men were predicting DOOM. Offices were closing early. Cincinnati was expecting 4-6 meters of snow. Well, at least people were acting and driving like we were about to get at least 4-6 feet of snow. We actually got about 7 inches of snow.

That was enough to turn a 40 minute drive into 2 1/2 hours. Swami thinks that he must have taken a wrong turn as he left Cincinnati, because he apparently went through northern Minnesota and four feet of snow on the way home. That is the only explanation he can think of to explain what could have caused traffic to go as slowly as it did.

The Swami had NO trouble walking from his office to the parking garage or staying upright while walking behind the snowblower. Why, you say? Because Swami was wearing his Yak Trax. There is little doubt that Swami should have ridden Zak the Yak to and from work today.

Is This Zombie Awareness Week?

Swamette, despite momentarily having second thoughts about her arthroscopic knee surgery, had a successful knee operation. She decided that the alternative, having Swami get out his Time-Life Book of Home Surgery, was not a good idea.



Swamette is recovering well. She is already able to walk without the walker that she used for the first couple of days. She is now using a nice squirrel-handled cane that Susan gave her for Christmas. I believe that Swamette may be trying to use this surgery as an excuse to slack off a bit. She keeps saying that she does not think that she can help to herd the yaks while she is using a cane. I'm sure that most people would agree that this is a pretty lame excuse.

While cruising the internet Swami came across a site that he is sure many of you will find very helpful in alleviating one of your concerns. The Zombie Preparedness Initiative will give you tips if you lie awake at night worrying about an attack of the Zombies. Visiting that site will also have another very salutary effect: by comparison Yak Herder Central will appear to be a mecca of mental health.

The Swami has received a confidential report from The Bureau of Land Management. It specifically makes reference to a clear-cut case of failure to fully utilize 80 acres of woodland in southeastern Ohio. In that case the land is deemed to be highly suitable for raising a herd of yaks. Yet, for reasons that are almost beyond comprehension [well, The Swami's comprehension] the owners of the land have no yaks. I know, it boggles the mind, doesn't it?!